Animal jokes
A man was about to go into the bar with his dog when he realized the sign said, “No pets allowed!” He was about to walk away when another guy walked up with his dog. The 2nd man put on dark shades and said, “Just pretend you're blind!” He walked in with his dog, got a drink, then left.
The 1st man did the same thing, but when he walked in, the bartender said, “You know your ‘guide dog’ is a chihuahua, right?”
The man said, “They gave me a damn Chihuahua?!”
My sis a fat cow.
It's amazing how dog owners can make their dogs shout different things. For example, Czech dogs go "barf," American dogs go "woof," and Chinese dogs go "sizzle."
Cow: *can't be milked for 20 years*
9/11:
What did the cheetah tell the other cheetah when they had a test?
"Cheetah, cheetah!"
Why did the chicken cross the road? Who gives a shit? I wanna know how it got the car started!
Why did the frog cross the road?
To show his gang that he had guts.
What is a rabbit's favorite type of jewelry?
Carats.
What's a cat's favorite color? Purr-ple.
If seagulls fly over the sea, what flies over the bay?
Bagels.
What is a cow's favorite water sport?
Ca-MOO-ing!
You can tune a guitar, but you can’t tuna fish.
The early bird might get the worm...
But the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
He was dead.
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
He was also dead.
Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
Monkey see, monkey do.
Why did the fourth monkey fall out of the tree?
He was stapled to the first one.
In a proud, boastful voice, Gemma told the old Chinese woman who was babysitting her that onions were the only food that could make you cry. The woman nodded and said that was true enough.
They continued eating for a while. "This is really good!" the little girl exclaimed. "What's this meat?"
The old lady replied with: "Well, there was a brown dog in your yard that wouldn't stop yapping."
What do you call a masturbating cow?
Beef stroganoff.
One cow asks another cow, "Are you afraid of mad cow disease?"
The other cow says, "Why should I be? I'm a helicopter."
Once a cheetah, always a cheetah.
I met a really greedy oyster. It was quite shellfish.
What do you call a cow that doesn't produce any milk? An udder failure.