Age jokes

3 boys were having a debate about who had the healthiest grandma.

Boy 1: "I have the healthiest grandma. She is 67 years old and can still do a backflip!"

Boy 2: "No, I have the healthiest grandma. She is 76 years old and can still finish a marathon!"

Boy 3: "I have the healthiest grandma. She is 85 and she is in the hospital..."

Boy 1 and 2, looking confused.

Boy 1: "If she's so healthy, why is she in the hospital?"

Boy 3: "Because she's giving birth right now!"

My girlfriend's pregnant. I'm 13. She was raped.

What's the difference between acne and a priest?

Acne waits until a boy is 13 before it comes onto his face.

What is the oldest animal in the world?

A zebra—it is black and white.

What do you call Trump with no spray tan on his hair?

Your next door grumpy old neighbor.

A 60-year-old man is walking along a deserted road with a 12-year-old boy. It’s getting dark, and the boy says, “Hey mister, it’s getting dark and I’m scared.”

The man replies, “You’re scared? I’ve got to walk back to town alone!”

One man was very depressed because he lost everything. He lost his job. He lost his home, and he lost his wife. So he went lonely into the forest to grieve.

Suddenly, with his head raised up, he sees Santa Claus walking by. "Santa?" he asks. "Why are you early? It is not even Christmas?"

"Ho, ho. Don't worry about me. Let's worry about you instead," says Santa. "What is the problem, my friend?"

"I lost everything good in my life. I got fired from my job. My wife divorced me. I lost my house."

Santa: "I can help you. You can wish three things you want in life, and I'll give it to you."

Man: "My first wish is I want my house back."

Santa: "Done!"

Man: "My second wish is I want 1 million in cash in my bank account."

Santa: "Done!"

Man: "My third wish is I also want my job back!"

Santa: "Done, but before I actually give you those wishes, I have to hump you."

Man: "Okay. Let's do it."

So Santa Claus takes off his pants to hump the man.

After they are done humping, Santa asks the man: "How old are you?"

Man: "I am 35 years old."

Santa: "And still believe in Santa Claus??!! HOHOHOHO!!!"

What's the best thing about having sex with 28 year olds?

There's 20 of them.

I like my women like a day: 24 year olds. 24 hours of fun.

Number 1 ventriloquist dies at age 76, will be mist.

At weddings, old people tell kids, "You're next!"

At funerals, little kids tell old people, "You're next!"

What is the best part of twenty-one year olds?

There's twenty of them.

What does dark humor and a child with cancer have in common?

That it will never get old.

How can you tell the difference between a Christian priest and a zit?

One waits until you're twelve to come on your face.

My mum touched my friend, but she wasn’t the she’s only 12.

Random guy: Hi, how old are you?

Me: 15

The guy: You're so young, age is just a number.

Me: Do you know what else is a number?

The guy: What?

Me: 911

Most people age up on their birthdays,

Stephen levels up.

What's the difference between Stephen Hawking and a baby? The baby is still alive.

A 60 year old man said his wife called him a paedophile the other day, strong words for a 6 year old.

What did the big chimney say to the little chimney? "You're too young to smoke."