Aed jokes
What's the difference between a casino and a church?
You actually mean it when you pray at a casino.
A doctor walks into the room and tells his patient, "I have some bad news for you. You really have to stop masturbating."
The man looks aghast and says, "Oh my God, doc, why?!"
The doctor replies, "I'm trying to examine you."
What's the easiest way to make a glow worm happy? Cut off its tail—it'll be delighted!
What did Jessiey do?
Jump and make a explosionnnnnnnn, heyyyy gas!
If all women disappeared one day, it would be a pain in the ass.
Marriage is really educational.
When I was single, I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put a fork in the dishwasher.
A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie.
First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.
One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage.
I accidentally texted my wife, "I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her."
Police officers hope you’re a criminal.
Doctors hope you get sick.
Mechanics hope you get car troubles.
But only thieves wish you prosperity.
Weird?
As the Navy SEALs burst into Osama Bin Laden's room in his Pakistani compound, his last dying words forever rang in the ears of the SEALs...
"It was just a prank bro."
Me: What has two legs and bleeds?
Friend: Um, women? Obviously?
Me: Actually, half a dog. So you're still right.
What does broccoli and sex have in common?
If you were forced to have it as a kid, you’re gonna hate it as an adult.
Imagine saying "my bad" instead of "sorry for your loss" at a funeral.
I went fishing with my grandpa, and my fishing line caught the attention of a school of fish. I told him to get my gun.
A black man said, "Where are the young ones?"
Ms. Smith: Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if I made ugly faces, it would freeze, and I would stay like that.
Little Johnny: Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned.
Why is it wrong to drive around in a van offering children candy?
Because you’ll have more success if you give out video games!
What do you call a paraplegic stuck in a tower?
In trouble!
When I bring someone breakfast in bed, I want to hear a thank you. And no, “What are you doing in my house?”
What do you call a group of Alabama superheroes?
The Incredibles.
How do you knock out 26 kids in one punch?
Give them a Sandy Hook.