Aed jokes
The patient said, "When will this be over?"
The doctor said, "After you die."
The patient says, "Was that a morbid joke?"
The doctor says, "Well, um, actually, you'll die because we broke the needles and the cure."
The patient says, "Well, it's a bright day, maybe if you weren't clumsy!"
SCP-173 has breached containment. This is not a joke. Multiple Keter class SCPs have breached containment. This is an XK class event. Evacuate the Earth and solar system. The world is ending!
How do you get a blonde to drown? You tell them the bottom of the pool smells weird.
I'd tell you a joke about my boyfriend's dick, but it's a private joke.
If you take your dog for a walk and you BOTH use the fire hydrant down at the corner...you might be a Redneck!
What do you call a Punjabi that’s drowning? Mandeep.
Why are mountains so smart?
'Cause they have a degree.
(Kids Doing A Science Project.) Kid 1: Did you bring Uranus?
Kid 2: Never leave home without it.
I just did a test to see who my soulmate is, and it said "best friend." So I guess I am gay. I think so, WTF.
What is a gorilla's favorite cookie?
It's chocolate chimp.
What did George Washington Carver have anything to do with gorillas? It's a little possible, ya dummy!
You're walking one day and a little kid, about 5-6 years old, comes up to you asking, "What's a condom?" You have to give that child the wrong answer, what would you tell them? Comment on what you would tell them.
What do you call an octopus on land?
A spider, duh!
What is tall when it's young but short when it's old?
A candle or a pencil!
A flock of swallows were migrating south as a jet flew past them.
"Why was that one flying so fast?" asked one. Another answers, "Can't you see his tail is burning?"
So put your best face on everybody, pretend you know this song everybody.
*pulls out noose* "COME HANG!"
*pulls out gun* Let's go out with a bang... Bang- *gunshot*
What do you call a bird with no wings?
Moas didn't even know that existed!
What do visiting Goatman's Bridge and a bungee jumping accident have in common?
You hear a snap, and suddenly you're falling from a bridge.
Q: Why do orphans work at Olive Garden?
A: Because when you're there, you're family.
Why did the emo step in front of a car? To get to the other side.