Aed jokes

What time is it when it turns 13 o'clock?

Time to get a new watch.

What do you call a dancing cow that dies while dancing? Dead mooves.

"Disease" technically means "lack of ease," so if a girl is hard to get, call her a disease.

That's what Elliot Rodger did.

What do you call it when a guy named Fred enters Panera Bread?

Panera Fred.

I know you’re feeling in a haze, but please enjoy your last three days.

Yo mama so fat, NASA has a satellite orbiting around her.

My mom once told me to spread positivity across the world, so I did.

I spread Covid across the globe because I tested positive :D

What is red and shaped like a bucket?

A red bucket.

Just before lockdown began, a woman took her 15-year-old son, Tom, and 14, 16, and 18-year-old daughters Sally, Mary, and Annie and went to the family cabin in the mountains to wait it out, while her husband stayed in town as an essential worker.

The weekly family Zoom call went well enough...until the 8th week when the father noticed the 14-year-old was looking a little...plump. By the 20th week, the 16-year-old's shirt was starting to pull taut over her tummy, by the 25th the curve of the 18-year-old's belly was rising over the edge of the table her laptop was perched on, and by the 30th week his wife and all 3 girls were very obviously 6 months pregnant, and the poor 14-year-old was so huge she was obviously having triplets.

So the father waited until he'd talked to his wife and daughters, and then asked if he could talk to his son alone.

"Look, I know your mom and the girls are all pregnant. I'm not mad, I just want to know how it happened. We don't have any neighbors up at the cabin, did you break quarantine and invite some hikers in, or go into town for supplies?"

"No, Pop, we haven't seen anyone since we left the city," his son told him earnestly. "And we sure haven't gone into town for supplies, I ran out of condoms on the second day here!"

What do you get when a cow doesn't give any more milk?

A milk dud 😂

Sometimes I get jealous when my phone dies. (This does not apply to me. It's a joke.)

Why did the fastest cat get kicked out of school?

He was a cheetah.

When you're watching a 9/11 documentary, that one kid in your class finds the 97th Jenga block and knocks it down.

Do you know how babies are made? The boy puts his penis in the girl's butt and goes up and down for ten minutes. Then the girl takes a pregnancy test, and if it says no, then you keep doing it until she is pregnant.

The boy will lick the girl down there, and she will put his penis in her mouth and suck it. Then he will spit on his hand and rub it on her boobs and lick/suck them.

A police officer said to a belly button, "You're under a-vest."

How do you get 4 gay guys on a bar stool? You turn it upside down.

How do you get them back off again? You jerk them off.

Americans won't have a Thanksgiving Dinner this year. Why not? They sent their turkey to the White House.

A stupid dolphin makes an annoying noise.

The dolphin did it on porpoise.

Me going to the principal's after telling the kid with a wheelchair to stand up for himself.

What's black and white and read all over?

A newspaper.

What's black, white, black, white, red, white, black, red, black, then red all over?

A penguin falling down the stairs.