Aed jokes
You're the type of person to play "Girl on Fire" during a funeral.
What’s the difference between an apple and an orphan?
The apple gets picked.
Today is sad. My sister got hit by a car, and I lost my license as a driver.
An old man walks to a busy restaurant. He tells the waiter what he wants and asks her, "Can I have a discount? I served in the war."
The waitress says, "Of course, and would you like that meal with sauce?"
"Nein," said the old man.
What's the difference between an orphan and an apple tree?
Apples get picked.
In memory of Michael Jackson, Vienna Beef, as well as various places, is introducing the Jackson Dog. A 50 year old sausage between a 9 year old bun.
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a dead pedophile? Nothing.
A block of gold walked into a bar. The bartender said, “AU, get out!”
How much does it cost a pirate to pierce his ears?
A buccaneer.
What's a convict's favorite chore?
Weeding.
How do you make a baby astronaut sleep?
You rock-it!
What's the best thing about a blowjob?
- The silence.
How do you turn a baby into a dog?
Douse it in gasoline, light a match, *WOOF*!
Last night I had a dream I was swimming in lemonade... turns out I peed the bed.
This is to the girl/boy named Gwen: Are you okay? I see there is a bunch of haters but DON'T, I repeat, DON'T let the haters get to you. I hope you see this and respond and that you are okay. Please Gwen, be honest.
A is for Amy who fell down the stairs.
B is for Basil assaulted by bears.
C is for Clara who wasted away.
D is for Desmond thrown out of a sleigh.
E is for Ernest who choked on a peach.
F is for Fanny sucked dry by a leech.
G is for George smothered under a rug.
H is for Hector done in by a thug.
I is for Ida who drowned in a lake.
J is for James who took lye by mistake.
K is for Kate who was struck with an axe.
L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.
M is for Maud who was swept out to sea.
N is for Neville who died of ennui.
O is for Olive run through with an awl.
P is for Prue trampled flat in a brawl.
Q is for Quentin who sank in a mire.
R is for Rhoda consumed by a fire.
S is for Susan who perished of fits.
T is for Titus who flew into bits.
U is for Una who slipped down a drain.
V is for Victor squashed under a train.
W is for Winnie embedded in ice.
X is for Xerxes devoured by mice.
Y is for Yorick whose head was knocked in.
Z is for Zillah who drank too much gin.
A guy goes onto a rooftop bar and is sitting next to a guy who says he’s drinking a magical drink. He asks, “What’s so magical about it?” The guy drives a car and flies it around the rooftop. The other tries, but falls off and dies.
The bartender shakes his head and says, “Y’know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”
Me: (pointing up in the air) "Everybody listen up, this is a robbery!"
Girl: "Dude, this is a library."
Me: "Oh." (screwing on a silencer)
Don't tell a Titanic joke, or you'll sink to a whole new low.
How do you make a pink Smurf?
You peel the skin off.