Aed jokes

Bill gets home from work late again, and Susan is angry. She hollers at Bill, "I AM FURIOUS. When I go outside tomorrow, there better be something that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds!" Bill says, "Ok." The next morning there is a box outside! Susan opens it. It's a scale! Bill hasn't been seen since October 2, 2002.

Q: What was the name of Michael Jackson's last book?

A: The ins and outs of child rearing.

There were 15 ugly guys on a bus. The bus crashed, and they all went to heaven.

God took pity on them and told the ugly dudes they could have one wish. The first guy said, "I want to be handsome." God granted his wish. The second guy said, "I want to be more handsome than the first guy." God granted his wish. The third guy said, "I want to be more handsome than the second guy." God granted his wish, and this continued on and on until the 15th ugly guy. The ugly guy was laughing, really hard. "What is your wish?" God asked him. "I WANT ALL THESE GUYS UGLY AGAIN!!!!!" God granted his wish.

"I bought my little sister a trampoline for her birthday, but all she wants to do is sit in her wheelchair and cry."

So, a woman gives birth to a child, and the doctor grabs it by the leg and holds it upside down. Then, he starts swinging it around the room, slamming it into the furniture. The mother tries to get up and starts screaming and crying, “Let my baby go, you sick bastard!” The doctor looks at the mother and stops swinging the baby. He is holding it by the left leg and starts chuckling, “I’m just kidding, it was already dead.”

Yo mama so stupid, she hides behind a glass door when playing hide and seek.

One day, I was sitting on my couch watching YouTube when I heard a knock on the door. I opened the door, and to my surprise, it was my dad. I haven't seen him in 16 years, so I let him in. I noticed he had a gallon of milk in his hand, and he went to the kitchen and put the milk in the fridge.

Then he walked towards me and said, "Oh no! I forgot the cereal!" Then he walked out the door and drove away. I never saw him again.

How do you keep a mute woman you've raped from telling on you?

By cutting off her fingers.

If you’re forced to have it as a child, you won’t like it as an adult.

I guess Hitler was forced to have vegetables when he was younger.

I was walking down the street when I thought I smelled my ex's perfume. Turns out, I was standing in front of a fish market.

There once was a little girl named Sarah with no arms and legs.

*knock knock*

Who's there!

Not Sarah.

Americans won't have a Thanksgiving Dinner this year. Why not? They sent their turkey to the White House.

Did you hear about the guy who got electrocuted?

It was quite a shocker.

What's the difference between an elephant and a feminist?

The feminist is overweight.

Q: Why do orphans eat cereal with water?

A: Because their dad is shopping for the milk.

Are you a Samsung Galaxy Note 7? Because I want to explode in you!

What did the make-a-wish kid say to the staff? "I don't wanna go to Disneyland, I wanna live longer."

What do you call a funny cow?

A cowmedian.

How do you knock out 26 kids in one punch?

You give them a Sandy Hook.

A girl asks her Asian boyfriend if he wants to eat her pussy. He asks her why she is taking off her clothes, instead of cooking her cat.