Aed jokes

What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians? One hundred people who don't do dick.

I'm not a failure. Suuuurrrre.

Why is there only 363 days in an orphan calendar? Because they don't have Mother's Day or Father's Day.

What did the comedian say when he walked into a bank?

"This is a stand-up."

My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology.

I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So, she gets a divorce.

What do astronauts eat off of? A satellite dish.

I think Abraham Lincoln was gay because a guy shot from behind.

Guy: Do you know how to draw women's rights?

Girl: No, how?

Guy: All you need is a blank paper, and that's it.

Did you hear about the boy who got raped by a group of women in the park whilst jogging? Now there are lots of male joggers in the area.

I stopped a terrorist from killing 100 people on a plane using self-control.

What do you call a paralyzed turtle?

Shell shocked.

I would say a good joke, but all the good ones Argon.

I was going to write a corny joke, but those are a bit too EAR-itating.

A girl and boy are in bed after sex. The boy goes, “I can’t believe they got together after all that shit.” The girl says, “Who?” The boy goes, “My ass cheeks.”

Why doesn't a skeleton dance? Because he had no body to dance with. Lol, Sans.

Did you hear that Daft Punk came out with a cook book?

It's called "One More Thyme."

What do you call a dead baby?

Spawn killed.

What's in common with Michael Jackson and a phone?

Kids play with both of them.

Why are the Americans good at Rubik's cubes? Because they have a long history of separating colors.