Aed jokes

What did Harry Houdini say when he did his famous vanishing act at a sushi place?

"Now sashimi, now you don't!"

What did a comedian say at a show full of blind people?

"What's up?"

God better hope they got an elevator to Heaven.

What do an acting role and playing sports have in common?

If you break a leg, you get cast.

Why does the sun get a lot of girls? Because it's hot.

A big hefty porker left his balls exposed and said,

"Misses!! Come here and step upon mine balls, please!!! I pay top dollar for this extreme delight!"

She pippity popped his balls like there was no tomorrow.

And he said "yuh yuh ay ay crush these nuts nuts!"

What's 12 inches long and begins with a p?

A shit.

He's homeless.

Another: Oh he must be A "Sheer" (as in Andrew Scheer) survivor...

The other: No, he's a Liberal (as in Justin Trudeau) job hopeful.

What is God's favorite planet?

Saturn because it has a ring around it.

What is the difference between a human being in the car?

What’s long, yellow, and doesn’t float?

A school bus filled with children.

I am going to scream, this is a cry for help.

So, if being a paedophile is a career, then burying the bodies must be gardening.

My friend Amir didn’t have the greatest driving record because of all the car crashes he got in. He only crashed his plane once in a building, so he had a much better flying record.

The toilet having an argument with the toilet paper, the owner of the house had diarrhea, who's day was more shittier!?

I saw a trophy in my sister's room. So I said congratulations on your cheer leading. My sister said I didn't win the trophy for cheer leading, so I asked why. My sister said I won because I give the best jobs.

Me: Sister, stop stealing my stuff or I will make you feel bad.

Sister: No, I won't stop.

Me: Fine, I'm telling the world what you did.

Sister: What? You will see when I post it.

Sister: WHY DID YOU TELL THEM I PEED ON SANTA CLAUS WHEN I WAS 12 YEARS OLD?

Me: BECAUSE YOU DON ́T HAVE A LIFE.

I smell ice a mile. Titanic, I want to iceberg.

All these females swear they loyal... but you can’t put loyalty on a hoe.

There was a man in a tower, and the other man thought it was a girl, so he said, "Let down your long hair." He said, "OK, I will let my big, super long, hairy penis down for you to climb and suck." Then the other man said, "If you have such a long dick, suck it yourself. See ya, b*tch."