Aed jokes
One night I was sitting on my bed in my room, minding my own business. It was pretty late, around 10 PM. The glow of my laptop screen was the only light in the room. I heard a noise coming from behind me. It sounded like the door was opening, but there was no one else in the house.
I turned around and found Mr. Incredible standing in my doorway, a stern look on his face. He walked over to me, slowly and dramatically. Then he leaned over and pointed his finger at my face, only about two inches away now. I was frozen with my back against the wall. Then, Mr. Incredible said something I would never forget: "Stop pirating video games."
Ever since that day, I have never gone on a pirating website and have paid legally for my video games. True story.
How do you know someone is autistic?
They get stuck in a loop very often.
A guy in a white helmet telling kids to kill themselves.
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia?
You put food on the ceiling and they start jumping.
Have you ever heard of Jane Doe? Well, her husband's name is Dill, so I guess that makes him a dildo!
A boy was following me for 8 years, even into the stall. I finally told him I’m not gay.
What is a great 👍 for?
Fun.
How does a cannibal like his meat?
Human.
Want to hear an abortion joke, or any joke for that matter? You have that option, and you can thank your mother for that.
But that's a question that will never be heard by an aborted unborn baby, whose only option was death. And that's no joke.
I know a Chinese joy rider, Tommy Tookamotor.
Are you wearing a diaper? Because your butt looks so saggy.
I invented a time-traveling machine and traveled back to Pangea. I warned the dinosaurs about the deadly asteroid. They told me, "It wasn't an asteroid... it was Pionel Pessi's penalty ball ricocheted from Mars that made them extinct." Tears ran down my face. Shame on you, Pessi!
What do you call a simp, Adrian?
You're so retarded, if there was a clone of you that was supposed to be smart, it would still be retarded.
One day Jack and Jill went up a hill. Jack got Jill drunk and horny, then took her to a hotel because Jack wanted to suck and lick her candy stick.
What do you call a skeleton's erection?
A boner.
Me: Hi, my name is...
Bro: Hey guys! So who are you?
Me: Hey, stop dude!
Bro: How is it going, bro--
Me: SHUT UP!
Bro: Is that a gun?
Me: *Pointing at bro*
Bro: Dude, I'm...
Me: *BANG* *BANG*
Me: Finally, it's over.
Wife: Hi babe. Husband: Hey. Wife: Do you wanna? Husband: YES! Wife: Ok, make sure you have a towel to go to the beach. Husband: WHAT? You mean go to the beach? Wife: Yes, what did you think I meant? Husband: Oh, nothing, bye. Wife: Bye, see you there.
A calendar asked the doctor how many time he's got left. The doctor replied: "'Til December."
What do you call a pile of cats? A MEOW-tain.