Aed jokes

Did you hear that Stephen Hawking wrote a new book? It's called "Around The House in Eighty Days."

Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?

A: So she can moan with the other.

A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."

The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."

The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."

And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."

The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them.

The guy from France said, "For France!" And drank the poison and died.

The man from Britain said, "Long live the queen!" And shot himself and died.

And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, "Make a canoe out of this, you fuckers!"

If a crippled man told stories about himself, would that be called VeggieTales?

What is a Irish 💋 😗 kiss 💋 a blowjob from a gay Irishman

Johnny Depp fans claim to support their god because they sympathize with male victims of sexual assault. Yet a large chunk of them cheer on Wacko Jacko raping little boys, calling it "innocent".

My brother once froze a dollar in a block of ice. I called it "cold hard cash."

What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair?

Artificial Intelligence.

How do you stop a baby from crawling around in a circle on the floor?

You nail its other hand to the floor.

What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.

I was with my blind friend, and he's telling me, "Yeah, I can read braille." So I hand him a Lego brick and ask him to read it. Apparently, Lego has been hiding a dark secret from us for years; as all their bricks read, "Screw you, asshole."

I went trick or treating this year with friends. Good thing I dressed as a zombie...

no one could tell that it was their blood.

What do you call a kid with cancer walking through the airport?

•Terminal

A husband and a wife have four children. The oldest three are tall with blonde hair. The youngest is short with brown hair. The husband was on his deathbed and said, "Honey, can you be completely honest with me? Is our youngest son mine?" The wife says, "I swear to all that is holy, he is your son." Then the husband died and the wife muttered, "Thank god he didn't ask about the other three."

Your forehead is so big that teachers use it as a whiteboard.

What do you call a Catholic priest who molests children?

A Catholic priest.

What do you call a joke without a punchline?

When I was a child, my parents told me my uncle was 'sleeping with the fishes.' At first, I thought he bought a water bed, but I then discovered he was killed and buried at sea.

An orphan walks into a supermarket, gets lost and calls for his mum, then remembers.

10 Fun Facts.

1. You can't wash your eyes with soap. 2. You can't count your hair. 3. You can't breathe through your nose with your tongue out. 4. You just tried number 3. 5. When you did number 3, you realized it's possible, only you look like a dog. 6. You're smiling right now because you were fooled. 7. You skipped number 5. 8. You just checked to see if there is a number 5. 9. Share this with your friends to have some fun too :-)