Aed jokes

Why is it okay for a woman to use me when she feels like it, but when I use her body when I feel like it, I am the bad guy?

I went to a book store yesterday and I saw a book that said "how to solve 50% of your problems." So I bought 2.

How to get rid of non-vaccinators: call water a "dehydration vaccine."

The emo girl in my class did her photosynthesis project on a tree. Little did she know that would be her demise later on.

You're so ugly, even a Snapchat filter can't fix it.

What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cube have in common?

The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

Harry Potter is a movie about a grown adult man with an unhealthy obsession with a teenage boy.

I asked my wife to embrace her mistakes.

She gave me a hug.

What's a similarity of an orphan and a deaf kid?

They both can't hear their parents.

If I had to rate the attack on the Twin Towers from the Muslims, I'd give it a 9/11.

Flex tape can fix a sawed-in-half boat. Then how the f*** can it not fix the Titanic when it broke in half? Tell me!

My grandma walked up on my doorstep and I grabbed my bible... I thought she was a smurf...

What do Ben 10 and a disabled kid have in common? They both slap their wrist.

What did the South tower get instead of pepperoni pizza?

It got a bunch of plane.

A panda walks into a restaurant, orders some food, and eats it. Once he was done, he shoots the waiter, then leaves.

Police and detectives arrive at the scene. They ask the waiter, "Who did this to you? What happened?"

The waiter replies, "A panda, eats, shoots, and leaves."

What can a mouse do?

He clicks.

A shoplifter tried to rob a grocery store.

He was asked to give an "eggsplanation."

What's the difference between a baby and putty?

You can only eat one.

One dollar bill is with a five dollar bill. The five says, "I make more cents than you."

I've been going to the dentist for a while now, I know the drill.