Aed jokes

What gets hard when tugged and fits perfectly in between boobs... A seatbelt.

Did you just come from a bakery? Because you’ve got the hottest pair of buns I’ve seen all week.

I kicked a ball into someone. Now I got a red card.

How does the next train stop for a depressive person? Death.

I wanted to make a joke about homework, but sadly, I'm an orphan.

How do you make it hard for a rapist who is trying to rape you? Rub it.

Please welcome Mozart's The Magic Flute...

In A minor.

Why was the snowman looking through a bag of carrots?

He was picking his nose.

I'm 24 and I was with a Chinese lady, and she kept screaming, "I'm too young!" Like, I don't know what that name is.

What do you call an artist who couldn't make it as Hitler?

I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do not read it.

I remember waving at this guy in the street. The a**hole didn't wave back... Come to think of it, he was also swinging around a weird stick.

Is your hairline a time traveler, because it went way back?

When someone saw your hairline, they thought it was a Dorito logo.

A blind man handed me a piece of paper. It said, "⠊⠋ ⠽⠕⠥ ⠉⠁⠝ ⠞⠗⠁⠝⠎⠇⠁⠞⠑ ⠞⠓⠊⠎ ⠽⠕⠥ ⠁⠗⠑ ⠛⠁⠽."

I have no idea how he knew.

My girlfriend left me for spending my own money. I buy this bitch thousands upon thousands of dollars worth of stuff, but I spend 100 dollars on a prostitute, she leaves me.

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos.

Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.

Are you a professor? I have a theory about sex that I need to test on someone.

What is the toughest thing about living a vegan life?

Getting up at 5am to milk the almonds.

I bought a sweater and it started building up static electricity.

So I got another one free of charge.