Aed jokes
I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding, but quite challenging.
Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.
I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
I won the lottery for a million dollars today, so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.
I now have $999,999.75.
Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says, "I can't believe I blew forty bucks in there."
What do you call a man with 6.022 x 10^23 dollars?
A Moleionaire.
Why does the blonde stand in a corner when she's cold?
Because it's 90 degrees.
What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand? -- He nuts and bolts.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. -- A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
What is the most sensitive part of a man's anatomy while he's masturbating?
His ears.
They used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a comedian.
Well, they're not laughing now!
Today someone was killed with a starter pistol. Police think it might be race related.
I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday. That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles. If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.
I've decided to marry a pencil. I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
Apparently, Monica Lewinsky didn't vote for Hillary Clinton this election. She said the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.
Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day. Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
A cop stopped a guy for speeding.
He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I was trying to keep up with traffic," the guy replied.
The cop said, "But there is no traffic."
And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."
What's the difference between America and a bottle of milk?
In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture.
I was raped by a group of mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."
"Well, I'm your man," I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."