Aed jokes
What do you need in order to crash a train?
A bad track record.
What do you call a blonde?
A piss-head.
How do you get a hippie chick pregnant?
You cum on her feet and let the flies do the rest.
My brother once froze a dollar in a block of ice. I called it "cold hard cash."
A panda walks into a bar. He asked the bartender for a sandwich and then proceeds to shoot him, then leaves the bar. Later on, after asking witnesses, the police track down the panda and take him to the station. They question him and ask, “Why’d you do it?” The panda replied, “It’s what pandas do, look it up.” So they did, they went on Wikipedia, and there it was: Pandas eat shoots and leaves.
Yo mama is so slow, when she stepped on the highway they had to order a crane to come move her from starting traffic.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Don't cry, it's just a joke!
Once a cheetah, always a cheetah.
A Nacho has a problem going on, and the Taco says to the Nacho, "Wanna taco 'bout it?"
And the Nacho says to the Taco, "It's nacho problem!"
What do you call a moose that doesn't want to be known? Anonymoose.
What happens when you have a kid with Tourette's and a hair trigger?
The Las Vegas shooting.
I heard every single machine in the coin factory just broke down all of a sudden.
It just doesn’t make any cents!
I wanted to make a belt out of watches, then I realized it was a waste of time!
One day Little Johnny’s class is having an English lesson. The teacher asks them, “Who can use the word intelligent in a sentence?” Little Mary says, “The teacher is very intelligent.” The teacher asks them, “Who can use the word fashionable in a sentence?” Little Suzie says, “They are very fashionable.” The teacher says, “Johnny, why don’t you have a go? Use the word dictate in a sentence.” Johnny thinks for a moment and then says, "Last night I heard Daddy asking Mommy, ‘Darling, how does my dick taste?’”
If Stephen Hawking had a FIFA card, he would have 99 dribble.
A Ford?
Knock knock. "Who's there?" "Grandma." "Oh, okay."
Nah, it's a penis.
I bought a wooden whistle. But it wouldn't whistle, so I bought a steel whistle. But it still wouldn't whistle. So I bought a lead whistle, but it still wouldn't lead me to whistle.
A blonde went to an HIV test. When she came back, she said, “The doctors say that I’m all positive!”
What do you get when you cross a cold wind with a feather?
A brrrrrrrr-d!