Worst Jokes Ever
Friends are like penguins.
If you stab a penguin, they die.
Guess Stephen's batteries died.
A guy is at home and he's about to go get a physical at the doctor's office. When he gets there, the doctor says, "Brian, you're going to have to stop masturbating." He asked the doc why? The doc said, "So I can examine you!"
If Stephen Hawking was so fucking smart, why hasn't he learned to walk yet?
These jokes are nearly as dead as Steven Hawkings.
So Stephen Hawking walked into a bar - just kidding.
What do you do if your dishwasher stops working?
Punch her in the face and remind her of her duties.
I got a handjob from a blind woman the other day. She said, "It's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand." I said, "No love, you're just pulling my leg."
Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day.
Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, "Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?"
Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.
"Jesus Christ almighty!" shouts Molly.
"Correct," says the teacher.
The next day the teacher asks, "Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?"
Molly is again asleep and is poked by Jack's pencil.
"Jesus Christ almighty!" she shouts.
"Correct again," says the teacher.
The next day, for a 3rd time, Molly is asleep.
This time the teacher asks her, "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?"
Jack pokes Molly with the pencil again, and this time Molly screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I'm going to crack it in half!"
Q: What did the iceberg say to the Titanic?
A: I'd hit that.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
Why does Sally have 100 sisters? She lives in an orphanage.
Q: What was the name of Michael Jackson's last book?
A: The ins and outs of child rearing.
Why are orphans so bad at baseball?
They can never make it home.
What pool never runs dry?
The one on the Titanic.
*on a date*
me - "I get to work with animals all day."
her - "How sweet! What do you do?"
me - "I'm a butcher."
My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.
Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9!
That's the best I've done so far.
What do a pedophile and a clock have in common? Neither of them go past 12.
Yo mama is so skinny, she uses floss as toilet paper.
What is a penguin without a pen? A guin...