You jokes

Child: Goodnight Mommy. Goodnight Daddy. Goodnight Grandma. Goodbye Grandpa!

Dad: Wait, why are you saying that?

Child: I just felt like it.

The next day, the Grandpa is dead.

Dad: That's just a VERY scary coincidence.

Child: Goodnight Mommy. Goodnight Daddy. Goodbye Grandma.

Dad: Wait, why are you saying that?

Child: I just felt like it.

The next day, the Grandma is dead.

Dad: That's just a VERY scary coincidence.

Child: Goodnight Mommy, Goodbye Daddy!

Dad: Oh no. If I survive until tomorrow, everything will be okay!

Survives until tomorrow.

Dad: Whew! That was nice! *Goes to house*

Mom: Honey! I was so worried about you! The mailman just dropped dead on our porch!

(If you don't get it, the mailman is the biological father)

What do you call a cow with three legs?

My ex.

Where do you get milk from? The Milky Way, of course!

A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing bet of one thousand dollars that their bartender could squeeze a lemon dry until all the juice ran into a glass, and anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried but failed. Over time, weight lifters, lumberjacks, men in the Army, and etc. But still, nobody could do it.

One day, a scrawny little man came in wearing thick glasses and a cheap suit and said in a tiny squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "okay," and he grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rhine to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the one thousand dollars and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?" The man simply replied, "I work for the IRS."

A woman delivers a baby. The doctor takes the baby and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. The mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging, “WHYYYY!!??”. The doctor holds the baby upside down by the ankle and says, “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.

What did the roti say to pratha?

You white like a white bastard.

Have you heard the joke about the sheep, drum, and snake?

"Baa" "dumm" "tsss"

Did you hear about the restaurant they're putting on the moon?

Good food, but no atmosphere.

What do you call a wife who knows where her husband is at all times?

A widow.

Did you hear how Stephen Hawking died?

There was a mix up, and he was dropped at PC World instead of A&E!

What do you get when you stuff some cows into a food container?

A can o' bull.

Someone tracked down a cripple and said, "You can hide, but you can't run!"

How do you know if an Asian has been in your house?

Your dog's gone.

Your finances are done.

And your floaties.

What did the kid say to the toilet?

"Did you order a number two because I got one ready for you?"

Did you hear about the new Pixar movie? It's about cancer patients. It's called "Finding Kemo."

What do you call the Christian version of Donald Trump? Holy shit!

You know it's so hard to clean my sex toys. Thank you, Jesus, for creating baptism.

There were people having sex when it started sinking. Legend tells when you go near the ship you can see semen, and if you listen close enough you'll hear them moaning.

Now that's a hell of a ghost story!

What's thick, long, hard, and has cum in it?

Cucumber. Lol. I love the way you think.

Q: What do you call America in a year? A: A wasteland.