You jokes
What do you call those dead pieces of green stuff left in the bottom of a bowl of Caesar salad?
The last romaines. Now lettuce pray for them.
A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.
After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers!”
She replies: “Oh my god! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”
To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”
Did you hear that Stephen Hawking wrote a new book? It's called "Around The House in Eighty Days."
Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number. You answered the wrong telephone.
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? About half way.
A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."
The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."
The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."
And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."
The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them.
The guy from France said, "For France!" And drank the poison and died.
The man from Britain said, "Long live the queen!" And shot himself and died.
And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, "Make a canoe out of this, you fuckers!"
Allan: What are you doing Saturday night?
Museum girl: Committing suicide.
Allan: What about Friday night?
No matter how kind you are, German children are kinder.
What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair?
Artificial Intelligence.
How do you stop a baby from crawling around in a circle on the floor?
You nail its other hand to the floor.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.
what's the difference between hitler and you?
one didn't keep posting on twitter about killing themselves.
I was with my blind friend, and he's telling me, "Yeah, I can read braille." So I hand him a Lego brick and ask him to read it. Apparently, Lego has been hiding a dark secret from us for years; as all their bricks read, "Screw you, asshole."
What do you call someone who points out the obvious? Someone who points out the obvious.
What do you call a kid with cancer walking through the airport?
•Terminal
Me: Are you an orphan?
Boy: Yeah, what gave me away?
Me: ....ur parents.
A husband and a wife have four children. The oldest three are tall with blonde hair. The youngest is short with brown hair. The husband was on his deathbed and said, "Honey, can you be completely honest with me? Is our youngest son mine?" The wife says, "I swear to all that is holy, he is your son." Then the husband died and the wife muttered, "Thank god he didn't ask about the other three."
What do you call a Catholic priest who molests children?
A Catholic priest.
What do you call a joke without a punchline?
10 Fun Facts.
1. You can't wash your eyes with soap. 2. You can't count your hair. 3. You can't breathe through your nose with your tongue out. 4. You just tried number 3. 5. When you did number 3, you realized it's possible, only you look like a dog. 6. You're smiling right now because you were fooled. 7. You skipped number 5. 8. You just checked to see if there is a number 5. 9. Share this with your friends to have some fun too :-)