You jokes

What's the best part of dating a homeless girl?

You can drop her off anywhere.

A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."

The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."

The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."

And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."

The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them.

The guy from France said, "For France!" And drank the poison and died.

The man from Britain said, "Long live the queen!" And shot himself and died.

And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, "Make a canoe out of this, you fuckers!"

Did you hear that Stephen Hawking wrote a new book? It's called "Around The House in Eighty Days."

Allan: What are you doing Saturday night?

Museum girl: Committing suicide.

Allan: What about Friday night?

Yesterday I was fucking my sister, and she said, "You fuck a lot like dad." I said, "Really? Mum said that too."

No matter how kind you are, German children are kinder.

How do you stop a baby from crawling around in a circle on the floor?

You nail its other hand to the floor.

What do you call a Catholic priest who molests children?

A Catholic priest.

What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.

What do you call someone who points out the obvious? Someone who points out the obvious.

I’m giving in my two week resignation to life... it’s not you ... it’s me!!!

Friend: "You are so ugly." Me: "You can't be talking, you give Freddy Krueger nightmares."

Husband: "I bet you can't say something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time."

Wife: "You have the biggest penis out of all your friends."

What do you call a joke without a punchline?

What do you call a happy child swinging with her friends at recess?

Not Sally.

My sister thinks she's so smart, she said onions are the only food that makes you cry.

So I threw a coconut at her.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Insomnia.

You'll fit right in along with Depression and anxiety, you can help keep me awake at night because Depression is struggling with that... Well now I can't cry myself to sleep anymore...

what do you get when you play a country song backwards? you get your wife, your house, and your kids back.

Like if you think rape jokes are funny.

"You wanna play the rape game?" "No." "That's the spirit!"