You jokes

My teacher told me, "You have no idea how powerful this quote is." I looked at her and told her, "You don't know how powerful the shotgun in my bookbag is."

What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair?

Artificial Intelligence.

What do you call a Catholic priest who molests children?

A Catholic priest.

Like this if you are in elementary, middle school, or high school.

I’m giving in my two week resignation to life... it’s not you ... it’s me!!!

A vampire walks into a bar and orders a cup of hot water. The bartender asks, "I thought you guys only drink blood?"

The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "I'm making tea."

You know when you sign up for something and it says "I'm not a robot"? I guess he never had the chance to tick that.

Why can you never hear bunnies having sex? Because they have cotton balls.

A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.

After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers!”

She replies: “Oh my god! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”

To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”

Did you hear that Stephen Hawking wrote a new book? It's called "Around The House in Eighty Days."

what's the difference between hitler and you?

one didn't keep posting on twitter about killing themselves.

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? About half way.

A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."

The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."

The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."

And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."

The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them.

The guy from France said, "For France!" And drank the poison and died.

The man from Britain said, "Long live the queen!" And shot himself and died.

And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, "Make a canoe out of this, you fuckers!"

How you feel when you slit yourself once: :(

How you feel when you slit yourself more than once: <:(

How you feel when you slit yourself everyday: *dead inside*

Allan: What are you doing Saturday night?

Museum girl: Committing suicide.

Allan: What about Friday night?

Me: Are you an orphan?

Boy: Yeah, what gave me away?

Me: ....ur parents.

What do you call a kid with cancer walking through the airport?

•Terminal

No matter how kind you are, German children are kinder.

How do you stop a baby from crawling around in a circle on the floor?

You nail its other hand to the floor.

What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.