You jokes

Allan: What are you doing Saturday night?

Museum girl: Committing suicide.

Allan: What about Friday night?

What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.

What's the best part of dating a homeless girl?

You can drop her off anywhere.

You know how 6 is afraid of 7 because 7 8 9? Well, 10 is afraid because he was in the middle of 9/11.

What do you call someone who points out the obvious? Someone who points out the obvious.

I’m giving in my two week resignation to life... it’s not you ... it’s me!!!

How do you stop a baby from crawling around in a circle on the floor?

You nail its other hand to the floor.

Yesterday I was fucking my sister, and she said, "You fuck a lot like dad." I said, "Really? Mum said that too."

Friend: "You are so ugly." Me: "You can't be talking, you give Freddy Krueger nightmares."

What do you call a Catholic priest who molests children?

A Catholic priest.

What do you call a happy child swinging with her friends at recess?

Not Sally.

What do you call a joke without a punchline?

My sister thinks she's so smart, she said onions are the only food that makes you cry.

So I threw a coconut at her.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Insomnia.

You'll fit right in along with Depression and anxiety, you can help keep me awake at night because Depression is struggling with that... Well now I can't cry myself to sleep anymore...

what do you get when you play a country song backwards? you get your wife, your house, and your kids back.

No matter how kind you are, German children are kinder.

A vampire goes to the bakery.

Vampire: "One bun, please."

Baker: "But you're a vampire, don't you need blood?"

Vampire: "Yes, there is an accident outside and I need something to dip."

When I'm bored, I go into an elevator with a full duffle bag. Once people come in and the door closes, I zip open the bag a little bit and whisper to it, "I'll get you some food once we get off."

Dad: "If they jumped off a bridge, would you?"

Tommy: "Yes, cuz there would be a body pile to break my fall!"

The only time you see a depressed person lifted up is when they hang themselves.