You jokes
Did you hear about the young man who brought floral arrangements in the shape of a life jacket on his friend’s funeral who drowned last week?
Everyone was furious, but he explained, “It’s what he would have wanted.”
What’s the difference between depression and your ex?
Depression fucks you harder.
What do you call a group of Daveons? A "daveon-ation."
I complained to my dad why he never took me to the zoo.
He said if they want you, they’ll come get you.
Blessed Brian, your secrets are safe with me... because I wasn’t listening when you told them.
Yo, Leo, are you an interior decorator? Because when you enter a room, it becomes EMPTY!
What do you call a gender neutral person who is lactose intolerant non-bi dairy?
What do a Rubik's Cube and a dick have in common?
The more you play with them, the harder they get.
I don't get people who treat you like shit and cross your boundaries, then are surprised when you have depression.
It's because of them after all. 🥰✨️
What do you call a rude math teacher with a lisp?
A mathive dick.
What do you call a black couple who's on welfare and food stamps?
Lay-Z and Freeyonce.
What happens after you eat at a combination Chinese-German restaurant?
An hour later, you're hungry—for power!
What’s the benefit of dating a homeless woman?
You can drop her off anywhere.
What’s something you can say about a fat person, but not about strippers?
Those legs sure hold a lot of weight.
What do you call an Irish lesbian?
A Gaelic.
Something you can say about your furniture, but not your partner: "Those legs sure hold a lot of weight."
What do you call a kid with no friends?
A Sandy Hook survivor.
You can get the park in the park with you if I have park in your car, and I will be there in a couple of hours. Would you be able to pick them out at your house, and I will pick you up, and I will be at your place at your convenience. I can get them in a little while. I’m at the park. Bye.
His neighbor asked Hodja,
"Do you have some forty-year-old vinegar?"
"I have," answered Hodja.
"Would you give me some? I need it to prepare a medication," said the man.
"No, I won't," replied Hodja. "If I had given some to everybody who asked for it, would I have it for forty years?"
One night a guy asked his wife where she wanted to eat. She said, "Chinese food," so he flew her to China. The next night, he asked her what she wanted to eat. She said, "Indian food," so he flew her to India. The last night, he said, "What do you want to eat?" and she said she wanted nothing, so he flew her to Africa.