You jokes
You are quite [something].
What's the funniest thing about being ringside at a UFC fight?
When you look around and all of the spectators are wearing white gowns and fuzzy socks, and you realize you aren't at a UFC event, you're watching your fellow patients fight to the death at a psychiatric facility.
What do you call a chair with a hat?
I don't know; the real question is, why was the chair wearing a hat?
How are women like swimming pools?
They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside.
How do you stop a baby from crying?
You drown it.
Yo mama is so stupid, she thought keeping you was a good idea!
What does the SpongeBob intro and a pedophile have in common?
"Are you ready kids?"
What's the difference between a priest and customer service?
At least you can call customer service and tell them how your experience was.
What did the banana say to the vibrator?
"Why are you shaking? She's gonna eat me later!"
How do you know you broke into a gay man’s house?
The weird moaning sounds when you try to slide in the back door.
Followed by slipping in Kentucky (KY) Jelly.
Followed by landing in deep shit.
Followed by being totally covered in sea men.
I would build you a monument so that you would finally come up with clever thoughts.
One way to not pick up a girl is to say, “Are you an American school because I wanna shoot kids into you?” I tried it on a girl, and she is now terrified to come near me.
How was I supposed to know she was already pregnant?
Do you know that “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” usually mean the same thing?
Except at a funeral.
Did you see the dyslexic kid try to write down “funeral?”
No? Shame, it was real fun.
No matter how lonely you get, you have Explain Bear.
Explain Bear is always there for you.
Q. What's the difference between an abortion clinic and a nursery? A. The abortion clinic won't let you take the baby home.
Q. What do you call anal sex with a politician?
A. A backroom deal.
Did you hear about the guy who died by lethal injection and writhed on the stretcher for 20 minutes?
I guess it really IS all in the execution.
My Son: "Mummy, why is my name Thomas?"
Me: "Because the night you were conceived, I had a train run on me."
Your momma is so slutty, they hired her as a condom tester.