You jokes

What do you call an autistic kid in a school shooting?

Target practice.

A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.”

“Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon....I'll let you know.

Do you think John F. Kennedy went for a ride in Dallas just to clear his head because his wife said he was close-minded?

Don't listen to people when they say you have a dad bod. You don't.

You have a father figure.

What do you call an autistic person playing a guitar?

Guarded.

What do you call an LGBTQ+ plane?

A biplane.

What do you call a group of rappers stuck in traffic?

A cypher circle.

Judge to the defendant: "Defendant, do you have a criminal record?"

"No."

"Have you always been honest?"

"No, never been caught!"

Police officers hope you’re a criminal.

Doctors hope you get sick.

Mechanics hope you get car troubles.

But only thieves wish you prosperity.

Weird?

How do you make the grass cut itself?

Make it depressed.

I'd tell you a joke about pizza, but it was too cheesy.

What do you call it when Panera Bread commits genocide?

Panera bloodshed.

What do you call it when Panera Bread decapitates someone?

Panera Behead.

Person with no arms: Even though I have no arms, I can do anything you guys can.

Me: If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. 👏👏 If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. 👏👏

Person with no arms: 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Ms. Smith: Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if I made ugly faces, it would freeze, and I would stay like that.

Little Johnny: Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned.

Why is it wrong to drive around in a van offering children candy?

Because you’ll have more success if you give out video games!

Your hairline is so ugly, it’s receding from your face to never see you.

A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus.

"Don't you mean a martini?" asks the bartender.

The Roman replies, "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for one!"

What do you call a 5th grader with no friends?

Sandy Hook survivor.