You Jokes

You know what’s traumatizing?

Your mom breastfeeding in front of you.

Help!

You ever notice that the USA could be a part of Russia?

RUSSIA US A

You are like a software update. Whenever I see you, I immediately think, "Not now."

What do you call someone who fixes walls?

Juan, probably.

Did you hear what happened to Lorainna Bobbit? She was in an accident on the Garden State Parkway. She told the State Police Officer, "That some dick cut her off."

If you hit an Indian person on the forehead with a dart, is it considered a bullseye?

Question: What do you say to give a woman from West Virginia a "Nice Compliment"?

Answer: You say to her: "NICE TOOTH!"

What does broccoli and sex have in common?

If you were forced to have it as a kid, you’re gonna hate it as an adult.

What's the difference between a salad and a baby? People don't usually scream when you shake around a salad.

Your girlfriend/boyfriend says: "I'm dating your uncle..." You start crying and you look under the bed and your uncle says: "Damn."

How do you play chess with a Catholic?

You put a condom on the bishop.

How do you know when you have been invited to a gay barbecue?

When you are unable to distinguish foot-long hot dogs from long and thick big dicks, regardless of skin color.

I was wrong about AISH workers having no value.

If you get to them soon enough after the murder, you can harvest a few organs.

I locked Terri Schiavo in the freezer.

Hey, I thought that's where you were supposed to put vegetables!

Why shouldn’t you play cards in Africa?

'Cause there’s too many cheetahs.

Somebody told me that black slang is just white slang in reverse. For example:

White person: Dad, you're home!

Black person: Dad?

White person: You can keep the change.

Black person: Empty the register.

Kermit the Frog and Fozzie Bear were having a picnic.

Fozzie said, "Do you know where Ms. Piggy is? I haven't seen her all day."

Kermit said, "I don't know, but this extra bacon cheeseburger sure tastes great."

I stood in front of the mirror. "Joseph, I will love and protect you forever," my dick cooed. I looked down at it, a single crystalline tear sliding down my face. I was at peace.

What do you think of your mom? I have to go now and tyyyytt.

Blessed Brian, your secrets are safe with me... because I wasn’t listening when you told them.