You jokes
Knock knock, who's there? God.
God who? NO, you idiot, there is no God. I am your father and you have locked me out of my own house!
What do you call an orphan in a wheelchair running into fire?
Hot wheels.
I remember my grandma's last words:
"What are you doing with that axe?"
You look like the 0.01 percent of bacteria the Lysol didn't kill.
One day I got home and told my girlfriend, "I cheated on you." She replied with, "F**k you!" I then said, "But you won't, that's why I cheated on you."
when your in an argument and your mom steps in:
If you can’t touch your brain or see your brain, you don’t have a brain?
Heyo, my children, hope you haven't forgotten about our cult!
What's the difference between a baby and a watermelon?
One screams when you put it in a blender, and the other one is a cooperative little fruit.
School and Boot Camp are a lot alike. The only difference is that in school, you don't have to get deployed to get shot at.
A doctor walks into the room and tells his patient, "I have some bad news for you. You really have to stop masturbating."
The man looks aghast and says, "Oh my God, doc, why?!"
The doctor replies, "I'm trying to examine you."
Your hairline is so far back you look like Frankenstein.
What do you call a fantastic goat?
Goatastic! So funny please like.
What do you call a Muslim in a swimming pool? A bath bomb.
A man went into a library to get a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian said, "No, you won't bring it back."
Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana.
Jack got high and grabbed Jill's thigh and said, "You know you wanna."
Jill said yes and lifted her dress so they could have some fun, but stupid Jill forgot her pill, and now they have a son.
What do you call an orphan with parents?
I don't know... what?
Kidnapped. :)
During the Great War, a man holding a machine gun shoots down a swarm of soldiers running on a swamp.
He says: "You came to the wrong swamp, Americans! You came to the wrong swamp!" *He didn't stop firing.*
A priest walks into a wine store.
"Do you have any 10-year-olds?" Seller: "What the f- Oh, you meant 10-year-old wine." Priest: "I said what I said."
You know what I hate about rape?
Keeping it a secret.
True fact: Five out of six people think Russian roulette is safe.
(Russian roulette is a game where you put 1 bullet in a pistol that has 6 chambers; each person spins it and tries not to land on the bullet to find out if you got the bullet or not. You point the gun at yourself and pull the trigger.)