You jokes
What do you call a drunk, depressed man that skydives?
Splattered.
My best friend looked at my arms and said, "Stop, sh*t, it's bad," then turns right around and says, "You look like a tiger."
So from here on out I am now Finn, the self-harming tiger.
It's said Duracell batteries are supposed to last 75 years, well Stephen, here you are.
Did you know when scientists discovered atoms could split, it blew them all away?
One day, little Billy came in, pulling up his pants. The teacher asks, "Where have you been, Billy?" He says, "On top of Beverly Hill." A few minutes later, little Willy came in. The teacher asked, "Where have you been?" He says, "On top of Beverly Hill." Ten minutes later, little Johnny came in. The teacher says again, "Where have you been?" He says, "On top of Beverly Hill." A few minutes later, a girl came in. The teacher says, "Who are you?" She says, "I'm Beverly Hill."
What do you call a terrorist in a wheelchair?
RC-XD incoming.
What do you call a night guard at the glory hole inside a adult bookstore?
Guardian of the confessional booth.
what do you call it when you get married in Panera Bread?
Panera Wed.
You shouldn’t bully fat people.
They already have enough on their plate.
Two men are in a rainforest, and one of them is peeing. Suddenly, a snake jumps out of some bushes and bites the man’s penis. The other man says, “Oh my God, I will go to a doctor immediately!” He didn’t have enough time to load the man into the car, so he went straight to the hospital. The man told the doctor what happened, and the doctor said, “You will have to make an incision at the wound and suck the poison out.” The man went back to the other man and said, “There is no hope, you will die.”
Teacher: Describe a penguin.
Student: Black, white, beak.
Teacher: Good, now describe an orphan.
Student: Sad, maybe depressed, no family.
Teacher: Amazing, now describe a cow.
Student: Brown bun hair, red shirt, white skirt, pantyhose, and dollar tree shoes.
Teacher: No! How does that describe a cow?
Student: It describes you tho.
What do you call a chair that smokes weed?
A high chair.
What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? "Tie won shu."
What do you say to your sister when she's crying? -- "Are you having a crisis?"
A woman walks into a doctor's office. She schedules an appointment and sits down in the waiting room. When it's her turn to talk to the doctor, she describes all of her symptoms, and they're unlike anything he's heard before. The doctor runs a few tests and steps out of the room. He comes back later, and says, "Well, I have good news and bad news." The woman says, "I'll hear the good news first please." The doctor replies, "The good news is we're naming a disease after you!"
Why did the depressed person rob a bank? Because you're not killing yourself if a cop does it for you!
If you slit your wrist while crying in pain, that's self-harm.
If you slit your wrist but have no expression, that's acting.
It isn't any of those if it's suicide.
What do you call 2 octopuses that look exactly the same? -- Identical.
I would tell you a construction pun, but I'm still working on it.
What do you call a Mexican midget?
A paragraph, because he’s not a full Esé.