You jokes

What do you call a terrorist in a wheelchair?

RC-XD incoming.

Nobody

Literally nobody

Gordan Ramsey: do you need me to bring Hitler back to life so he can show you how to use a fucking oven?

It's said Duracell batteries are supposed to last 75 years, well Stephen, here you are.

what do you call it when you get married in Panera Bread?

Panera Wed.

What do you call a night guard at the glory hole inside a adult bookstore?

Guardian of the confessional booth.

Teacher: Describe a penguin.

Student: Black, white, beak.

Teacher: Good, now describe an orphan.

Student: Sad, maybe depressed, no family.

Teacher: Amazing, now describe a cow.

Student: Brown bun hair, red shirt, white skirt, pantyhose, and dollar tree shoes.

Teacher: No! How does that describe a cow?

Student: It describes you tho.

What do you call a chair that smokes weed?

A high chair.

So, a kid walks in the house and says, "Mommy, Mommy, I found daddy!" And the mother says, "Stop digging around in the garden, and let your father rest in peace."

What do you say to your sister when she's crying? -- "Are you having a crisis?"

Two men are in a rainforest, and one of them is peeing. Suddenly, a snake jumps out of some bushes and bites the man’s penis. The other man says, “Oh my God, I will go to a doctor immediately!” He didn’t have enough time to load the man into the car, so he went straight to the hospital. The man told the doctor what happened, and the doctor said, “You will have to make an incision at the wound and suck the poison out.” The man went back to the other man and said, “There is no hope, you will die.”

A woman walks into a doctor's office. She schedules an appointment and sits down in the waiting room. When it's her turn to talk to the doctor, she describes all of her symptoms, and they're unlike anything he's heard before. The doctor runs a few tests and steps out of the room. He comes back later, and says, "Well, I have good news and bad news." The woman says, "I'll hear the good news first please." The doctor replies, "The good news is we're naming a disease after you!"

What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? "Tie won shu."

If you slit your wrist while crying in pain, that's self-harm.

If you slit your wrist but have no expression, that's acting.

It isn't any of those if it's suicide.

So I had a friend who was an orphan, and he said, "How's your girlfriend?" I said, "I don't have one." He said, "I know, just reminding you." I then said, "Hey, how's your parents?" I never saw him after that.

You know, people should really stop making fun of 911....both my parents died.

One driving one plane, and the other driving the other.

Why did the depressed person rob a bank? Because you're not killing yourself if a cop does it for you!

What do you call a Chinese man with a camera?

Phill Ming.

What do you call a single bisexual?

All bi myself.

How do you know when a woman is going to have a black baby?

When she takes the tampon out, all the cotton is picked.

What do you call 2 octopuses that look exactly the same? -- Identical.