Nobody
Literally nobody
Gordan Ramsey: do you need me to bring Hitler back to life so he can show you how to use a fucking oven?
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
What do you call a drunk, depressed man that skydives?
Splattered.
It's said Duracell batteries are supposed to last 75 years, well Stephen, here you are.
What do you call 6 gay men going to war?
Rainbow 6 Siege.
So, a kid walks in the house and says, "Mommy, Mommy, I found daddy!" And the mother says, "Stop digging around in the garden, and let your father rest in peace."
What do you call a single bisexual?
All bi myself.
If you slit your wrist while crying in pain, that's self-harm.
If you slit your wrist but have no expression, that's acting.
It isn't any of those if it's suicide.
When you accidentally turn in your suicide note instead of your essay to the teacher, but she still gives you an A.
What do you call a Chinese man with a camera?
Phill Ming.
Why did the depressed person rob a bank? Because you're not killing yourself if a cop does it for you!
What do you say to your sister when she's crying? -- "Are you having a crisis?"
Did you hear about the German girl being raped by 10 men? She shouted, "nein, nein," so one of them left.
What do you call a Mexican midget?
A paragraph, because he’s not a full Esé.
I would tell you a construction pun, but I'm still working on it.
What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? "Tie won shu."
Imagine if hitting the iceberg wasn't an accident and it was all just the sailors' fault like this:
Sailor 1: Hey Ron. Sailor 2: Yeah? Sailor 1: You see that iceberg over there? Sailor 2: Yeah. Sailor 1: You know what would be pretty funny?
A kid walks in late to class. The teacher asks him, "Why are you late?" and he replies, "I was busy throwing pebbles in the lake." Another kid walks in late to class, and the teacher asks him, "Why are you late?" and he replies, "I was busy throwing pebbles in the lake." The last kid walks in and the teacher says, "Why are you late?...and why are you wet?" and the kid says back, "Remember, my name is Pebbles!!"
When you suffer from depression and somebody tells you to just cheer up-- Me: My goodness, what an idea! Why didn't I think of this before?
Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doctor, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you!
