You jokes

You know you’re going bald when you use more toothpaste than shampoo.

"I have cancer," the doctor said. "I have 3 days to live," but I was like "fuck it" and killed him. The jury said, "I have life in prison." I shouted, "Yes!" He said, "Thank you, you saved my life!"

Have you heard of Imagine Dragons (the band)? Imagine dragging these nuts across your face.

Would you like to try African food?

They would too.

You looking for jokes? I have one: your life.

Why do girls wear classic rock T-shirts? Because they are stupid little bitches who need to grow some fashion sense because wearing old shit doesn't make you unique.

POV: You call the group of emos the "Suicide Squad."

What do you call an orphan home alone?

A family reunion.

What do you say to make a redhead mad?

Anything.

You: Find a time clock that can change time.

Your friend the next day: Hey, can I borrow yo' house?

You: No, I'm trying to figure out what to do with my TIME!

Also you: Changes the time back to 1267 so you don't have to have that friend again.

My sister thinks she's so smart. She said only an onion can make you cry, so I brought the belt out, and she started crying.

What do you call a blind person on a date? A blind date.

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can unscrew a light bulb.

A 28-year-old medical student is auctioning off her virginity online.

For $300K, you can have the worst sex of your life.

What do you get when you cross a shark and a snowman?

Frostbite!

I was going to tell you a joke about a big cat, but I would be lion.

How do you stop a skunk from smelling?

Hold its nose.

Worst joke ever.

Are you the voices I've been hearing?

Because I can't seem to get you out of my head. (Schizophrenic RIZZ)

Police Report: Looking for a female, light brown hair, blue eyes, freckles, and a small scar on her right check.

Last seen on CCTV wearing see-through bottoms, a pink top, and a vibrating dildo hanging out of her arse. If you find this woman, please get her to charge the dildo for excessive fun.

The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: to be shot, to be hung, or to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." Snap, he was dead.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the Irishman fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.

Finally, the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"

The Irishman replied, "You guys are so stupid... I'm wearing a condom!"