You jokes

I went to the local butcher's and asked him what happened to his Saturday boy. The butcher replies, "I had to fire him, I found him with his dick in the meat slicer!"

"What did you do with the meat slicer?" I asked.

The butcher says, "I had to fire her too!"

Alternative punchline:

"I had to call social services, she was only 14."

Three people explored the jungles, one was from France, one from Britain, and the other from America.

While exploring, they were captured by the tribe living there. The tribesmen told the three, "You three have invaded our territory, so we must kill you and use your bodies to create canoes. However, we aren't that heartless, so we'll let you choose your deaths."

So the French guy asked for a gun, pointed to his head, and said "Viva la France!" and shot himself. The Britain guy requested poison and said, "For the Queen!" and drank the poison. Lastly, the American asked for a spoon. The tribesmen were confused but still gave him the spoon. When the American got the spoon, he started stabbing himself, "Try make a canoe out of this one!"

Him: *slowly drives past elementary school while looking at kids*

Her: Why are you staring at those kids? *jokingly* Are you like a pedophile or something?

Him: ... At least you know why I love calling you "baby" now~

How do you get a baby to stop crawling in circles?

You nail its other hand to the floor.

What do you call a group of ethnically diverse disabled people?

Seasoned vegetables.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fish with no eyes.

The mother and her daughter went to the store. After they arrived, the daughter looked around and ran off somewhere. The mother realized this and took off looking for her. After a while, she found her tugging on a black man. The mother asked, "What are you doing?" and the daughter replied, "I wan't the chocolate!"

I was working at a check-in station for a flight to Riyadh when suddenly I was approached by Benzema, Kante, and Neymar!

At first I was very surprised and curious, so I asked them why they decided to play in the Saudi Pro League and not MLS where GOAT Messi plays. They all smiled and happily replied: "Don't you know, the legendary bench warmer PRISTIANO PENALDO plays there!"

Now I fully understood what they meant! They know that Pristiano is already finished, so winning trophies will be easy for them. I smiled and happily let them through.

I never forget my grandpa's last words.

"Are you still holding the ladder?"

What do you call a group of emo people?

"The Suicide Squad."

Prostitution. The only job that pays more if you suck.

Why do you wrap a hamster in duct tape?

So it doesn’t explode when you’re fucking it.

Do you know what the secret is to have a smoking, hot body as a senior citizen?

Cremation.

What do you call two lesbians in a closet? A liqueur cabinet.

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

"How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"

Me: *posts random joke about a duck*

That one guy in the comment section for no reason: "Shut the f*uck up you dumb b*tch you are a piece of sh*t you..."

That other guy in the comment section: "That’s actually offensive to ducks."

Bro it’s a joke...

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

9/11.

9/11 who?

[pause] You said you’d never forget.

Are you sure your father isn't a thief?

Because he stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.

Who needs dating apps when you have family reunions?

Why should you never give an orphan a phone?

Because they wouldn't be able to find the home button.