Crisis jokes

When I called the suicide hotline in Afghanistan, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

The suicide hotline didn't even give me advice on how to kill myself. Not helpful at all.

Nike isn't helpful for suicidal people. You can't tell them to "Just Do It."

I called a suicidal hotline in Iraq and they asked me if I could drive a truck.

My advice to suicidal people: just hang in there. 🕺

Ran out of toilet paper, so had to start using lettuce leaves... today was the tip of the iceberg.

I called a suicide hotline in Iraq. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

me: calls suicide hotline. hotline lady: suicide hotline, how are you doing today? me: not much, just hanging.

Q: Why was the 4 year old anti-vaxer crying?

A: He was in a mid-life crisis.

I didn't mean to call an Afghanistan hotline. I told them I was depressed, then they asked if I know how to drive a truck. I don't know how that has anything to do with it!

Stop with the 9/11 jokes.

They're not gonna fly.

What did one tree say to another in a crisis? Don't leaf me when things get bad.

There are 4 people on an airplane, and the pilot has a heart attack and dies. The plane is going down, and there are also only 3 parachutes. So the guy who knows how to cure cancer says, "I’m jumping. I can save many lives." Then the 46th president, Joe Biden, says, "I’m taking the 2nd one." So there is only one left. Donald Trump says to the 7-year-old girl, "I have lived a long life. You can take the next one." So the little girl says, "That’s ok; the 46th president took my backpack." Lol.

Why was the Ethiopian baby crying?

It was having a mid-life crisis.

When Knife tells Annoying Orange, "I'm trying something new," Annoying Orange said, "Oh no, are you having a midknife crisis?" and then Annoying Orange laughs.

Feed the hungry with the hungry. It solves world hunger and overpopulation at once!

What did the phone receptionist at the suicide hotline tell the callers?

Hang in there!

When I was feeling suicidal, I called the suicide hotline and they left me hanging.

Who do you call in times of a marriage crisis?

A prostitute, because your wife fucking sucks.

Why did only blonds show up at Saturday's party during the Corona crisis?

Because their computers flashed, "Virus blocked!"