You jokes
What do you call disabled people in a hot tub? -- Vegetable soup.
Nike isn't helpful for suicidal people. You can't tell them to "Just Do It."
When the guy next to you says that he kind of agrees with the villain.
Me watching a World War 2 documentary.
I was working in an iPhone store in Norwich when a man came! He said, "Give me a hat-trick or I will destroy your store!" I said, "No," and he started to smash phones! I immediately screamed, "Important game!" and he disappeared! Shame on you, Penaldo, for ruining my store! 😡😡
If you don't like my suicidal jokes, sorry man, didn't know it cut that deep.
Memes
When you call the Middle Eastern suicide hotline, they ask you if you can fly a plane.
A husband comes home from work one day, and his wife is watching the Food Network. The husband asks, "Why do you watch that? You still can’t cook," and the wife responds, "Why do you watch porn? You still can’t fuck."
What is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Well, beer nuts are 49 cents, but deer nuts are just under a buck. (If you don’t understand the genders of deer, you won’t understand it.)
If you were on the Titanic and you didn't leave the ship, what would you do? Just let that sink in.
What do you get when you cross a vacuum and a rooster?
A cock sucker.
Friends are like penguins.
If you stab a penguin, they die.
I respect cancer more than I respect depression.
At least cancer has the balls to kill you himself.
What do you call a blind racist?
A not see.
A man walks into a diner one day, walks up to the counter, and proceeds to order a bowl of chili.
The waitress says that the man sitting next to him just ordered the last bowl they had. That man was just sitting there, not eating the chili.
After watching him not eating for a while, the first man asks him, "Are you going to eat that?"
The second man replies, "No, you can have it if you want."
So the first man takes the bowl and starts eating.
About halfway through the bowl, he's chewing when he feels a crunch. He looks down only to see half a dead rat sitting in the chili.
He immediately throws all of it up, back into the bowl.
The second man looks at him and says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got too."
God creating cats.
GOD: Make the most fluffy cute thing you can think of.
ANGEL: Ok.......................................anything else?
GOD: YES, PUT RAZOR BLADES ON ITS FEET!!!!!!!!
I conducted a survey. I asked 100 women what kind of shampoo they used while they were in the shower? 98 of them said, "How the fuck did you get in here?" 😂😂😂
Girl: How much do you love me?
Me: Count the stars in the sky.
Girl: Aww, it's infinite!
Me: No, just a waste of time.
What do you call a priest in a room full of naked boys?
A colonoscopy.
A child with cancer: "I want to be like you when I grow up." Doctor: "Oh, you're not going to grow up."
I'm not saying I hate you, but if you got hit by a bus, I'd be driving that bus.