You jokes

Q: What do you get when you cross a cow and a smurf?

A: Blue cheese.

When you're the only one nice to the quiet kid.

Kid: "I like you... don't go to school tomorrow."

What do you call disabled people in a hot tub? -- Vegetable soup.

When the guy next to you says that he kind of agrees with the villain.

Me watching a World War 2 documentary.

I was working in an iPhone store in Norwich when a man came! He said, "Give me a hat-trick or I will destroy your store!" I said, "No," and he started to smash phones! I immediately screamed, "Important game!" and he disappeared! Shame on you, Penaldo, for ruining my store! 😡😡

If you don't like my suicidal jokes, sorry man, didn't know it cut that deep.

Bully: "Shut up and give me your money, otherwise I will tell everyone that you are still a virgin."

Boy: "Haha, I am not a virgin anymore."

Bully: "Haha, nice joke."

Boy: "If you don't believe then ask your sister or brother."

Bully: "Hah, I don't have any sibling."

Boy: "Will just wait for 9 months then u will know."

If you were on the Titanic and you didn't leave the ship, what would you do? Just let that sink in.

Raaj went up to his mom and said, "I bet you 10 dollars I can disappear." Then he turned off the lights.

Friends are like penguins.

If you stab a penguin, they die.

I respect cancer more than I respect depression.

At least cancer has the balls to kill you himself.

A man walks into a diner one day, walks up to the counter, and proceeds to order a bowl of chili.

The waitress says that the man sitting next to him just ordered the last bowl they had. That man was just sitting there, not eating the chili.

After watching him not eating for a while, the first man asks him, "Are you going to eat that?"

The second man replies, "No, you can have it if you want."

So the first man takes the bowl and starts eating.

About halfway through the bowl, he's chewing when he feels a crunch. He looks down only to see half a dead rat sitting in the chili.

He immediately throws all of it up, back into the bowl.

The second man looks at him and says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got too."

God creating cats.

GOD: Make the most fluffy cute thing you can think of.

ANGEL: Ok.......................................anything else?

GOD: YES, PUT RAZOR BLADES ON ITS FEET!!!!!!!!

What is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Well, beer nuts are 49 cents, but deer nuts are just under a buck. (If you don’t understand the genders of deer, you won’t understand it.)

I conducted a survey. I asked 100 women what kind of shampoo they used while they were in the shower? 98 of them said, "How the fuck did you get in here?" 😂😂😂

What do you call a priest in a room full of naked boys?

A colonoscopy.

Girl: How much do you love me?

Me: Count the stars in the sky.

Girl: Aww, it's infinite!

Me: No, just a waste of time.

Do you know how to make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

"Chuck? How many push-ups can you do?" -- "All of them."

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'd get in the van if I were you...