You jokes
How do you get 30 drunk Canadians out of the pool?
"Please get out of the pool."
What is the difference between a carpet muncher and a female prostitute?
If you want a female prostitute to be a carpet muncher, you have to give her money.
What do you call a sad strawberry?
A blueberry.
Astrophysics fact: If you count every star on a Saturday night, you're autistic.
How sad and pathetic is it that all you wait for after you finish a suicidal joke is for people to like your joke, but you know you'll just be a failure at that as well?
How many dead babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw them.
Boy, you look like the fake Chief Keef!
You're so ugly that you and Adolfo Hitler are like twins.
Me: Sister, are you wearing makeup?
My sister wearing all the world's makeup.
Sister: Just a little.
When you're depressed about the world :( but you remember you will soon die :)
Someone stole my grass today. I went to the police, and they said: "What's wrong?" I said, "How could you tell something was wrong?" They replied, "You were looking forlorn."
"How do you make 7 even?"
"Take away the s."
I’d tell you a secret about peanut butter, but you might spread it.
What’s the coolest thing about having a 12 year old friend...
You get to meet Chris Hansen!
Christopher and Tony were tempted for a beer, but they only had 2 dollars each.
Christopher got an idea and ran away to the butcher to see if he could get something good. He came back with a sausage. So they went to a pub and ordered 2 beers and 2 whiskeys.
"Are you crazy?!" said Tony to Christopher. "We don't have any money!"
"Take it easy now," said Christopher. "I have a plan."
When they finished drinking everything up, Christopher put the sausage through his own zipper and begged Tony to bend on his knees and take the sausage with his mouth.
The bartender saw what they did and threw them out without even paying. So Christopher and Tony kept doing the same thing pub after pub after pub.
After the 10th pub, Tony said: "I can't do this anymore. I am drunk, and my knees are in too much pain to even handle the walk."
"How do you think I feel?" said Christopher, exhausted. "I dropped the sausage in the 3rd pub!"
I got some from suggestions, research, etc. etc. Just to illuminate you.
Do you ever look at a person and think, "Just how many generations of inbreeding did it take to create you?"
If you punch an orphan, they can't do anything; they can't tell their parents.
What do you call a deer with no ear?
One ear.
How do you get a black kid to stop jumping on your bed? Put velcro on the ceiling.