You jokes

Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his gaze is blank. The other hunter grabs his phone and calls emergency services: "My friend is dead! What do I do?"

The emergency dispatcher replies: "Calm down. I can help you. First, make sure he's really dead."

Silence on the other end, then a gunshot. Back on the phone, the hunter asks: "Okay, now what?"

Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, "Mommy, mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, daddy came in with the lady next door and they started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off daddy's clothes and daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of daddy and started...". The mother cuts him off and says "Just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me." Couple hours later the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face shouting "I'm leaving you... Go ahead Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier." Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. "Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door and you both started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off your clothes and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing mom did with uncle Joe last summer."

Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because it's extinct.

What do you call a homeless bounty hunter?

Hobo Fett!

Orphan: "I want to be a superhero."

Me: "You should be Batman."

Also me: *starts laughing* because Batman doesn't have parents...

How do you know if someone is anorexic? You toss them a onion ring and see if they eat it, or use it as a hula hoop.

Have you heard about the movie "Constipation"?

No, because it never came out...

By the law, you are not allowed to have a sick bird. That's ill-eagle.

I have a friend whose birthday is on September 11th.

They're going to have an explosive party that will definitely blow you away!

It's gonna be the bomb, and a blast, too!

What do you call suicidal Hitler?

Slitler.

I asked my friend if they will show me something retarded. He said, "Go look in a mirror." I said, "Thank you."

What do you get when you put 2 nuns and a blond on a football field? 2 tight ends and a wide receiver.

What song do you think was playing at the school?

"Pumped Up Kicks"

Even if there were no gravity, I would still fall for you...

Why are Captain from SpongeBob and Michael Jackson so similar?

They both say, "Are you ready, kids?"

Even if there was no gravity, I'd still fall for you.

What do you call a bear without teeth? A gummy bear hahaha.

I was crying at school and telling my friends that my grandpa died. Then I told them I still remember his last words. They wanted to hear them. They are: "you still holding the ladder?"

Q: What do you call a pigeon that is full of poop that flies in front of a car?

A: A suicide bomber.

The worst thing about an owl is how they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.