You jokes
What do you call a steak that tastes bad?
A MISsteak.
Break a wine glass: I give you bad luck for a year.
Break a mirror: Funny wine glass, I give you bad luck for 7 years.
Breaking a condom: Haha so funny mirror.
Did you hear about the new German microwave? It has ten seats in it.
Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his gaze is blank. The other hunter grabs his phone and calls emergency services: "My friend is dead! What do I do?"
The emergency dispatcher replies: "Calm down. I can help you. First, make sure he's really dead."
Silence on the other end, then a gunshot. Back on the phone, the hunter asks: "Okay, now what?"
Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, "Mommy, mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, daddy came in with the lady next door and they started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off daddy's clothes and daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of daddy and started...". The mother cuts him off and says "Just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me." Couple hours later the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face shouting "I'm leaving you... Go ahead Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier." Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. "Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door and you both started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off your clothes and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing mom did with uncle Joe last summer."
Orphan: "I want to be a superhero."
Me: "You should be Batman."
Also me: *starts laughing* because Batman doesn't have parents...
What do you call a homeless bounty hunter?
Hobo Fett!
Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because it's extinct.
How do you know if someone is anorexic? You toss them a onion ring and see if they eat it, or use it as a hula hoop.
Have you heard about the movie "Constipation"?
No, because it never came out...
What's the difference between a porn star and a mosquito?
One stops sucking when you smack it.
What do you call a sad strawberry?
A blueberry.
What do you call a heterosexual man giving a brojob to another heterosexual man?
gay now, heterosexual later.
Friend 1: I don't want to jump.
Friend 2: Me neither.
Murderer: If you don't jump, I'll stab you.
Friend 1: *jumps*
Friend 2: *jumps*
Murderer: I didn't mean off the building!
Friend 1: I know that. I just pretended to jump to get rid of that guy.
What's the difference between a woman and a washing machine? The washing machine doesn't follow you after you put a load in it.
How do you shut Helen Keller up?
You give her mittens.
What do you call a sleeping dinosaur? A dinosnore!
Him: What's the difference between Incestry.com and Ancestry.com?
Her: What?
Him: Nothing, either way you will be dating your cousin.
How can you save a depressed person from a tree?
You cut the rope.
what do you call an autistic police officer? special forces