You jokes
What song do you think was playing at the school?
"Pumped Up Kicks"
What do you call a cow that eats grass?
A lawn mooer.
What do you call a heterosexual man giving a brojob to another heterosexual man?
gay now, heterosexual later.
How do you shut Helen Keller up?
You give her mittens.
You remind me of a snowflake, beautiful and unique. One touch and you're wet.
Memes
What do you call a sleeping dinosaur? A dinosnore!
What do you call a sad strawberry?
A blueberry.
Friend 1: I don't want to jump.
Friend 2: Me neither.
Murderer: If you don't jump, I'll stab you.
Friend 1: *jumps*
Friend 2: *jumps*
Murderer: I didn't mean off the building!
Friend 1: I know that. I just pretended to jump to get rid of that guy.
What's the difference between a woman and a washing machine? The washing machine doesn't follow you after you put a load in it.
Him: What's the difference between Incestry.com and Ancestry.com?
Her: What?
Him: Nothing, either way you will be dating your cousin.
How many astronauts can you fit into a VW Bug? 11, 4 in the seats, seven in the ashtray.
One day, two Chinese people with broken English go to America. When they arrive, they go to a small place to eat. When they look at the menu, they see "hot dog," but since their English is bad, they think it's literally a roasted dog and order it. When it comes back, they're both surprised, and one of them asks,
"What part of the dog did you get?"
A blonde walks in and says, "I want to buy that TV."
The seller says, "I don't sell to blondes."
The blonde comes back the next day with brown hair and says, "I want to buy that TV."
The seller says, "I don't sell to blondes."
The blonde comes back the next day with brown hair and says, "I want to buy that TV."
The seller says, "I don't sell to blondes."
The blonde asks, "That's it, how'd you know I was a blonde?"
The seller replies, "Because that's a microwave."
A kid has an older brother that’s a very popular lifeguard. He sees all of the people that talk to his brother, but he’s fairly ignored. So one day he asks his brother why everyone likes him so much. His older brother says, “Well, all you gotta do is stick a potato in your pocket.” So the next day the boy goes back to the pool and he has a potato in his pocket, but everyone is avoiding him even more now. At the end of the day he goes up to his brother and asks why it didn’t work, and his brother says, “Dumbass, you were supposed to put it in the front!”
What does a cop say when you shoot a ginger?
I guess orange is the new black.
When you know that everyone thinks you're a hoe.
WHEN Y'ALL ARE MY HOES!
What do you call an army of disabled people?
Special forces.
Doctor: "I'm sorry, but you suffer from a terminal illness and only have 10 to live."
Patient: "What do you mean 10? 10 what? months? weeks?"
Doctor: "9, 8, 7..."
Do you know you’re supposed to wash your sex toys after you use them?
I guess that’s why Catholics invented baptism.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. You smell like shit. And you look like it too.