Let’s say there’s a person who should have never come to exist. How would you find them?
A: Look in a mirror.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile? Your face muscles.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
Because the "p" is silent.
What do you call being run over by Michael Jackson?
Being hit by... Being struck by... A smooth criminal.
One man walks up to another and says, "Hey, did you hear about the kidnapping at Main Street?" The guy says, "No." The other guy says, "Oh, he woke up."