You jokes

You know the drill, but do you know the hammer? Hah, nailed that one.

But I also think I screwed it up.

What do you call a cow that just gave birth?

Decalffeinated.

Hey girl, are you a drill sergeant, because you have my privates' attention.

What’s the best thing about dating an orphan?

You don’t need parental consent.

You wanna know proof that cats don't always land on their feet? Well then, watch The Lion King.

what's the worst thing to say to an emo?

if you don't succeed the first time, try try try again.

You're so fat that you only know 3 letters: KFC.

Why don’t you see gay orphans at a daycare?

They have no one to call "daddy."

Why don't you fart in an Apple Store?

Because they don't have any Windows.

Seeing one of her students making faces at others in the playground, Mrs. Matthews stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "When I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that."

The student looked up and replied, "Well, you can’t say you weren’t warned, Mrs. Matthews!"

You know what I hate about rape?

Keeping it a secret.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I have five fingers, and the middle one is for you.

Teacher: Now class, if you are dumb, please stand up.

Class: No one stands up.

Teacher: Oh, c’mon. I know someone over here is dumb. *teacher waves her finger around the left side of the room.*

Little Johnny: *stands up.*

Teacher: Oh, Johnny, you think you’re dumb?

Little Johnny: No, I just feel bad you’re standing alone.

A man walks up to Lil Johnny one day and asks, "If you had one wish, but that wish will be granted to everyone on Earth... what would it be?"

So Lil Johnny thinks real hard and long, then said, "Well, I would wish for me to shit myself."

The man is shocked and asks why, and Lil Johnny replies, "Well, I would be on the toilet. I think everyone else would just be confused!"

Two boys are wandering in the woods, playing games.

Suddenly, they come across a naked lady, and one of the boys starts running. The other chases after him and asks: "Why did you start running?"

The boy replies with: "My mom said if I ever see a naked lady, then I would turn to stone. And I can already feel a part of me turning hard."

Two people are in a restaurant. Person #1 doesn’t order anything, and Person #2 orders a chili.

Person #1: “Aren’t you gonna eat your bowl of chili?”

Person #2: “No, you can have it.”

Person #1: “Ok, thanks...”

Person 1 starts eating his food only to find half of a dead rat! He vomits all of the food back into the bowl.

Person #2: “That’s about as far as I got too!”

1. You can't wash your eyes with soap.

2. You can't count your hair.

3. You can't breathe through your nose with your tongue out.

4. You just tried number three.

5. When you tried number 3, you realized it was possible, only you look like a dog.

6. You're smiling right now because you realized you were fooled.

7. You skipped number 5.

8. You just checked if there was a number 5.

9. This is not my joke; all credit goes to Steps.

Roses are red, violets are blue, if I had a brick, I’d throw it at you.

What's the difference between a baby and an onion?

One cries when you peel its skin off, the other makes you cry when you peel its skin off.

What do you call a short black person?

By their name, you racist!