You jokes

Can you imagine the last thing that went through the minds of 9/11 victims?

Well, probably the person in front of them.

What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter what you call him, he's not coming.

Your hair is so far back, you left it at your last address.

Guy: "Can I tell you a joke?"

Spiderman: "Yes."

Guy: "You only have 11 months on your calendar."

Spiderman: "Why?"

Guy: *holds up knife* "Because I murdered May."

How do you get a boy to share something? Bring in Michael Jackson's bed.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I've got a bouquet in my pants for you.

You're so skinny that the professor thought you were the skeleton.

When you play Flappy Bird in 9/11, the bird is a plane and the obstacle courses are towers.

So, a man finds a woman on a train track while he's on his way to a bar, and they had a lot of sex.

When he gets to the bar, he brags about the different sex positions they used, and one of the guys says, "Oh, did you do head?"

He responded with, "No, I couldn't find the head."

What do you call a transgender person? Nintendo Switch.

Did you hear that Michael Jackson once got food poisoning?

He ate 12-year-old nuts.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high, grabbed her thigh, and said, "You know you wanna." Jill said yes and pulled up her dress, and then they had some fun, but silly Jill forgot her pill, and now they have a daughter.

Haha, I fucked you over!

What do you call a murderer with two butts? An assassin.

I was going to tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.

Your mom is so fat when you printed the picture, it would not stop printing! 😂🤣

My friend: You ever feel like life is pointless? *drives faster*

Me: Yea-

My friend: If you could die with one person, who would it be? *speeds up more*

Me: H-hey, you should slow down! Slow down, slow down! We're about to-

Man: Cow milk is drinkable.

Other man: How do you know that?

Man: *smiles with milk all over mouth*

Other man: John...h-how do you know that!

What do you not say to an Emo if you want them to come round? "Wanna hang out."

I asked the gym instructor,

"Can you teach me to do the splits?"

"How flexible are you?" he asked.

"Well, I can't make it on Fridays."

Me: Good night, everyone.

My friends and family: Night.

Me: *gets in coffin*

My family: *stares at my friends* You aren't going to do something?!?

My friends: *to my family* Nope, this is normal.