You jokes
Do you know that “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” usually mean the same thing?
Except at a funeral.
Have you heard about the animal that was made of a human hand?
It's an ARMadillo.
You're like a vacuum cleaner. Why? Because you suck.
I was gonna tell you a sodium joke, but Na, only I thought it was so dium funny.
What do you call it when a prostitute pays someone 5 bucks to fuck them?
5 dollar footlongs.
What do you call a group of depressed people? The Suicide Squad.
What do you call a girl skeleton dancing?
A bone-étit.
What do you call a gay man that is not a vegetarian?
A cocksucker.
You know why they call her Wonder Woman?
She's always wondering where she parked her invisible jet.
A boy asked his dad for some money to buy an ice cream with, so he went to an ice cream van. Whilst he was in the queue, two boys asked him what flavor he was getting. He told them "strawberry." The two boys were shocked and beat him up. The ice cream man felt bad and gave him his strawberry ice cream for free.
When he got home, his dad also asked what flavor he bought. The boy said "strawberry." His dad then kicked him out of the house. The boy, confused, walked down the street and was stopped by the police, who were looking for a boy who had been eating strawberry ice cream. The boy said, "That's me," and the policeman arrested him.
A week later in court, the boy was on trial. The judge asked, "Can you tell me what were you doing on the fifth of May?" (the day he was arrested) The boy said, "I was eating ice cream." The judge decided he was innocent. On the way out, the judge asked him what the flavor was (he had forgotten to ask during the trial). Of course, he answered with "strawberry." The judge, horrified, realized he had given the wrong verdict and the boy should have been executed. Unfortunately, he couldn't change what had happened, so the boy walked out and crossed the road but was hit by a car and died.
The moral of the story is look left and right before crossing the road.
The dark side of kid songs:
You got a friend in me... you got a friend in me!
What’s the difference between a woman and a mosquito?
A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it.
What do you call snowmen having sex?
A snowjob.
What time is it when you walk home from school? Time to rest.
Friend 1: How can the skeleton tell it was going to rain?
Me: He could feel it in his bones.
Friend 1: No, he read the forecast, you fucking idiot!
Heheh ;3
What do you call an autistic kid with orange hair?
A boomerang.
To avoid getting drafted, a young man slips into a nunnery to hide from some draft board agents who are after him. Desperate, he approaches a nun and asks her to hide him.
“Get under my robes,” says the nun. “No one will look for you there.” The nun lifts up her robes and the man says, “Hey, that’s a fine pair of legs you have there, sister.”
“Yeah, well if you look a bit higher you’ll see a fine set of balls,” replies the nun. “I didn't want to get drafted either.”
Did you hear about the emo kid in a wheelchair? Exactly.
We wrote letters to a kid with cancer.
My letter read, "It's a bumpy road, but soon you will have a straight path."
People didn't realize it was meant for his heart monitor. Lol.
What do you call a masculine lesbian who smokes weed?
A stoned butch.