You jokes
Treat me like a joke, and I will leave you like it's funny.
A friend called me a while back saying, "I have COVID.... I can't breathe, I really have a hard time breathing."
I reply saying, "Dude, you need to work on your George Floyd jokes."
Christopher Walkin: "This is a literal universal remote! It actually controls your life! You can pause, you can rewi-"
Me: power button.
Jesus takes his disciples to a bar.
"13 pints of water, please," he says to the barman.
"Oh, fuck, not you again," the barman replies.
"You boys are about to see something real special," says Jesus.
Hey, Reaper!!! Where are you going?
"I finished my job."
What about me?
Memes
What’s the speed limit in bed?
It’s 68. Once you hit 69, you have to turn back around.
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
Philipe Philope.
Grandpa: "Sonny, let me tell you something. There's only one damn thing in this whole world worse than Alzheimer's."
Boy: "What's that?"
Grandpa: "What's what?"
Do you like pudding? Pudding deez nuts in your mouth!
What do you call a Pirate Pokemon?
Arrrrrr-ceus!
What do you call a cow in the snow?
Chilli Beef.
When his dick is really, really small, but you pretend it is so big it hurts so you don’t make him feel bad 'cause he is a nice guy.
What do you call a basement full of SJW's?
A whine cellar.
What do you say to a depressed special kid?
“Why so down?”
A teacher says, "If you have one dollar and your parents give you 5 dollars, how much do you have?"
Everyone raised their hands except for a little girl in the front, but the teacher called on her anyway.
The girl said, "My parents left me, so I would have one dollar."
What do you call an Indian lesbian?
Mingeeta.
Dad: What did you learn in school today?
Timmy: Not enough, I guess, 'cause I gotta go back tomorrow.
A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend."
The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better."
"Thanks Dad," the son says.
The father shakes his head and goes, "I was talking to your girlfriend."
I rate you a 9/11.
Two cows are grazing in a field.
One cow says to the other, "You ever worry about that mad cow disease?"
The other cow says, "Why would I care? I'm a helicopter!"