What do you do after your girlfriend with two broken legs dumps you?
Take her wheelchair, she'll come crawling back.
You Jokes
"_____ abortion clinic, you rape it, we scrape it.
_____ sperm bank, you spank it, we bank it."
What do you call an angry Texan?
A Confederate leader.
If you want to pick on someone, pick on orphans. Let them tell their parents.
Double!
Where did Sally go during the bombing? Everywhere!
Triple!
Why did Bob cross the road? Because he wasn't wearing his seatbelt.
No means no, but if you use chloroform, it’s a guaranteed yes.
Doctor: "I have good news and I have worse news." Patient: "Well, what's the bad news?" Doctor: "You have one day left to live." Patient: "What news could possibly be worse?" Doctor: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday!"
Like this if you are a single Pringle like me.
One day I came to my mom and said, "MOM!!! I can make a butterfly!"
Mom: "No you can't..."
Me: *throws butter out the window* Me: "Look I made a butterfly!"
lol this isn't funny but I hope you liked it.
A kid asks his mom, "Mom, how much do you love me?" The mother responds with, "I love you as much as I love your brother." The kid looks confused and says, "But I don't have a brother." The mother smiles and says, "Well, I guess my love is not existing."
God said, "Let there be light." Chuck Norris said, "You have to say please first."
How do you get 4 gay guys on a bar stool? You turn it upside down.
How do you get them back off again? You jerk them off.
What's the best thing about Alzheimer's?
You can hide your own Easter Eggs!
Guess what song this is from:
"I'll cut you into little bitty pieces,
Or freeze you till your blood runs cold,
Or stab your till' you heart stops pumping.
I'm here to realize your wish from what I'm told."
When the school shooter finds you and you think you’re gonna die, but he remembers the time you gave him a pen.
Me: *Meets girl, starts to form crush* Me after I get enough courage to talk to her: “Are you a casket lid because I want you on top of me?”
“What do you call my friend group?” “Suicide Squad.”
I'm not saying I hate you. I'm just saying that if I could go back in time, I'd give your mom a coat hanger.
How do you fit a baby into a shoebox?
A blender.
How do you get them out?
Tortilla chips.
what do you call a terrorist attack in india?
a wednesday.
Did you hear about the boy who got raped by a group of women in the park whilst jogging? Now there are lots of male joggers in the area.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
