You jokes
My mom asks, "How did you do this?" Me: "Naw, I did it with a fork. WHAT D'YA THINK?-"
Expectation: "Brr, I’m cold!" "Here brother! I’ll give you my jacket, I don’t want you to be cold!"
Reality: "Brr, I’m cold!" "Well, damn bro, I can’t control the weather."
Sir, I mustache you a question...
Ah, never mind, I'll just shave it for later.
Girls are like volcanoes.
You never know when they will erupt.
What do you call a midget psychic that has escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.
What do you call Amber Heard crying during the lawsuit?
A DEPPression.
(If you are a fan of either Johnny Depp or Amber Heard, you might get the joke).
What’s the difference between Disney+ and P*rnhub?
Disney+ wants you to hate your stepmother.
Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?
Did you hear about the new sex doll they've invented for Muslims?
It blows itself up!!
What do you call a person with Down syndrome in the military?
Special Forces.
What do you get after a leper has a hot bath? ... Porridge.
You have a six-minute timer to live, but when you breathe, it resets.
Three kids one day found a magical slide. There was a sign next to it saying, “Whatever you wish for comes true once you slide down.” One kid stepped up and slid down. He wished for a river of chocolate, thus he swam in a chocolate river.
The second kid slid down and wished for a mountain of money. He then landed in a pile of money. The third kid went down and said, “Weeeeeeee!”
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."
"Well, I'm your man," I replied. "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
The way you talk is so slow that they put you in the movie Fast and Furious and changed the title to Slow and Serious!!!😂😂😭
You know what’s odd?
Every other number.
A guy is sitting at a bar when a drunk man walks up to him, calling his mom a whore. The guy just ignores it and stays in his spot drinking his beer. An hour goes by and the drunk man comes back saying, "Your mom is a whore!" The guy sitting looks around the bar, sees people staring and says, "Don't worry, everything is cool here," and shrugs it off. After a few more shots, the drunk man walks up a third time and says, "Your mom... is such... a whore!" The guy finally gets mad, throws his fist on the table and says, "You know what? Go home Dad!"
All you need is a razor blade in life.
Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day. Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”
Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.
“Jesus Christ almighty!” shouts Molly.
“Correct,” says the teacher.
The next day the teacher asks, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”
Molly is again asleep and is poked by Jack’s pencil.
“Jesus Christ almighty!” she shouts.
“Correct again,” says the teacher.
The next day, for a 3rd time, Molly is asleep.
This time the teacher asks her, “What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?”
Jack pokes Molly with the pencil again, and this time Molly screams “If you stick that thing in me one more time I’m going to crack it in half!”
What is gay - curious 🤔 😳
👬 👬 a gay man that is curious about experiencing sex with a 👨 👩 👨 bisexual man.
👨 👨 👩 🚲 🚲 🚲 does it cycle now?
🚲 🚲 🚲
😢 😔 sorry for your luck 🍯 honey it sucks 😪 😞 😒 to be you.
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.