Joe mama so fat I took a picture of her last year and it’s still printing
Who gave Jesus his birthday presents every year?
Santa Claus!
Why is Black History Month the shortest month of the year?
I don't wanna brag, but I finished a puzzle in under a week, and it said 2-4 years on the box.
Dream Stans: Technoblade died too soon.
Technoblade's Dad: He was only 23 years old!
Pig's average lifespan: Only 15 – 20 years (23 years old is way above).
There once was a woman who had 10 kids. Their names were:
Tenth, Twenty, Thirty, Forty, Fifty, Sixty, Seventy, Eighty, Ninety, and One Hundred.
Everyone but Ninety died. She also had 10 kids.
These 10 kids got a dog without Ninety knowing. They had him for 2 years until he got hit by a car.
Only Ninety's kids know about this.
My cat sleeps about 20 hours a day. She has her food prepared for her. She can eat whenever she wants, 24/7/365. Her meals are provided at no cost to her. She visits the doctor once a year for her checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this she pays nothing, and nothing is required of her.
She lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than she needs, but she is not required to do any upkeep. If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep. She receives these accommodations absolutely free. She is living like a queen, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head, Holy Sh*t, my cat is a Democrat!
I usually hang up Halloween decorations,
but this year I'm gonna be the decoration.
1: My grandpa died last year.
2: What kind of cancer?
1: He was hit by a bus! It's called bus cancer.
A 60 year old man said his wife called him a paedophile the other day, strong words for a 6 year old.
A pedophile is sitting at an empty poker table. An eight-year-old kid asked him if he could sit down. The pedophile says to the child, "Sure, let's play."
Why does a chicken cross the road?
To poop and pee in the potty!
Today we need to teach our teens about having safe sex while using contraceptives.
Condoms 99 percent effective.
Birth control 99 percent effective.
Etc.
Just be like me and use underage 7 year olds works 100 percent of the time (only cost 20 years in jail ;)
How do you find a redneck virgin?
Just look for a 4-year-old. They can run faster than her brothers.
What's the only punch that can knock out a 21 year old?
A Sandy Hook.
Why is Michael Jackson on the naughty list this year?
Because he sexually kids 😂
What’s the difference between a cow and Hitler jokes? You can’t milk the cow after 12 years.
Congratulations! 10 years+ record of hide and seek with your parents, and they're still hiding!
They hide so well, they probably forgot about you. Mwah. <3
My dad said he'd be back later after he walked out the door with a suitcase.
Who takes a suitcase to the grocery store? Silly daddy!
Stephen Hawking had a heart attack the year before his death.
They took him to PC World for repairs.
