Year jokes

My girlfriend called me pedophile today.

Big word for a 12-year-old.

I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he's still making fun of me.

Have a great year!

I was once caught doing it with a 16 year old in my bedroom. Boy, was my wife mad. She yelled "HOW CAN YOU F*** OUR DAUGHTER?!". Haha, yeah, she was mad.

Anyways, that's why your mother and I are getting a divorce, Timmy.

My doctor said, "You have 1 year to live."

I said, "You wanna bet?"

Bam, a gunshot!

What did I eat for breakfast yesterday?

10 year olds.

2001 called... they hit the Pentagon.

It's said Duracell batteries are supposed to last 75 years, well Stephen, here you are.

What is the difference between 9/11 and a cow?

You stop milking a cow after 15 years.

What's the difference between you and me?

I have a plan for this new year.

So long, suckers. Keep scrolling.

My son was thrown out of school for letting a schoolgirl wank him off.

"That's the third school this year..." I said to my son, "... Maybe teaching isn't for you."

Why does Michael Jackson like twenty-eight year olds?

'Cause there are twenty of them.

I don't know why everyone cares so much about 3D printers. I've had a Canon printer for years.

What weighs 70 pounds and doesn't like sex?

The 6-year-old in the trunk of my car.

Q: What do Burger King and Michael Jackson have in common?

A: They put meat on five-year-old buns.

Kelly Clarkson and Ian Watkins of the Lostprophets both walk into a bar. The bartender asked, "Hitting on some 2-year-olds today?" It may have been an innocuous question, if it weren't for the fact that the bartender is Chris Hansen.

When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.” He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”

I went scuba diving last year. It was fun, but at the end, I ran out of oxygen.

It was a breathtaking experience.

Miss Stephen likes kids like she likes wine: 15 years and in isolation.

I am Thor.

And next year, I will be five.