I was out for dinner with my 19 year old girlfriend. I, being 42, had many people shouting at me, scolding me, calling me a creep. It really ruined our 10th anniversary.
Chuck Norris would have died a couple of years ago, but death hasn't built up the courage to tell him.
I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he's still making fun of me.
Statistics show that 1 in 3 people live next to a pedophile. However, I think that's a lie because I just live next to 2 stunning 8-year-olds.
A woman went out on a date and said, “I’m thirty-one with the body of a sixteen-year-old.” The man responded, “Wanna show me? 😏” The woman took him back to her house and opened her freezer and said, “Take a look.”
Friend 1: What's the most disappointing thing that ever happened to you? For me, repeating a year.
Friend 2: Failing an important test. And you?
Then there is me: My life.
What's the difference between McDonald's and a priest?
Nothing... They both stick their meat in ten-year-old buns.
Yo mama is so fat, it took Nationwide 15 years to get on her side.
How do you get Wacko Jacko to screw a lightbulb?
Tell Jacko that the bulb is a 6-year-old boy.
I like my girls how I like my wine, 12 years locked in the basement.
It's said Duracell batteries are supposed to last 75 years, well Stephen, here you are.
The average human male walks for five miles, but the gas station is ten miles away. So why does it take fifteen years for my dad to buy cigarettes?
Why is Santa's sack so big?
He only comes once a year.
I told my friend yesterday he's literally my dad.
He didn't show up for the rest of the year.
I keep getting these letters from this little girl every year on Father's Day. I told the orphanage to stop letting her send these.
As a 13 year old, online dating is a tough thing.
Every time I meet someone new, they end up in jail.
I was horrified when my wife told me that my six-year-old son wasn't actually mine. Apparently, I need to pay more attention during school pick-up.
Despite Michael Jackson’s legal problems while he was alive, McDonald’s is still going to honor his life achievements in the music industry by naming a sandwich after him.
They’re going to call it the McMichael! It’s going to be a fifty year old piece of meat pressed between two eight year old buns.
What does Michael Jackson like about 28 year olds? There's 20 of them!
The only reason why Murrikkkunts think Canada isn't free is because incest is illegal in Canada, in which one can face a sentence as long as 14 years in prison if convicted.
