Work jokes

"I work with animals," the man said to his date.

His date said, "I love a man who works with animals. What job is it for the animal?"

"I am a butcher," said the man.

My stepdad took me to work, and he told me I could climb trees.

I woke up in a hospital. Wait, did I mention that my stepdad was a lumberjack?

A lumberjack goes to a person's house.

Then he realized the tree was too big and was stumped and had to leaf.

I had a boyfriend once. He broke up with me because he "wanted to be more alive." I guess it didn't work when he went to my basement.

Why can’t an orphan use an iPhone?

Because the home button does not work.

I harvested indigo to make dye. I made the dye. I made a number dye. I dyed the dye. I rolled the dye. It made me die.

I asked the orphan why he was crying. He didn't really say anything.

Then I asked where are your parents? He cried more. I love working at the orphanage.

Asians don't believe in Santa because they make the toys.

I got a job at a library. I got fired after 15 minutes. They told me it was because I put women's rights in the fiction section.

What’s the difference between a feminist and a suicidal vest?

A suicidal vest actually works when triggered.

I shouted at a kid. I told him to get his parents.

It was the last time I worked at an orphanage, 🤣.

What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?

A can't opener.

Why'd Billy get fired from the banana factory?

He kept throwing with the bent one.

Why did the dwarf work at Tesco?

Because every little bit helps!

I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.

A little girl walks into the bathroom and sees her mom naked taking a shower and asks, "Mommy, mommy, when am I gonna get breasts?" Mom says, "Oh, when you're 12 or 13." The little girl looks down and see’s her pubes and asks, "Mommy, mommy, when am I gonna get hair down there?" Mom says, "Oh, about the same time you get breasts."

Then the little girl walks in and sees her dad sitting on the bed with a hard on and asks, "Daddy, daddy, when am I gonna get one of those?" Dad says, "Soon as your mom leaves for work."

So I was asleep and woke up and went to work. My wife left already to her job. I was driving my car and ran over someone. I woke up in my bed, realized it was all a dream.

20 minutes later I got a phone call that my wife got hit by a car.

I would make a disabled joke.

But they never work.

I saw a little boy playing alone in the street. I told him that was a bad idea, then asked for his parents.

God, orphanages are fun to work at!!

"Prostitutes love their jobs; they're always having a blast!"