Work jokes
I got a job at a library. I got fired after 15 minutes. They told me it was because I put women's rights in the fiction section.
I saw a little kid crying. I went up to him and asked where his parents were. I got fired from the orphanage.
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing!
Why did the Headless Horseman get a job?
He was trying to get ahead in life.
What does a disabled disco play?
"When your legs don’t work like they used to before."
Been getting a lot of paper cuts on my fingers lately, I guess it's a sign I should go lower.
In America, you work on a plantation.
In Soviet Russia, the plantation works on you!
A guy asked me what I do for a living.
Now I'm not old enough to get a job, so I said nothing. He asked me again, so I said, "Your wife!" The guy goes to slap me, but his wife is standing right there. She instead slapped me and said, "You swore not to tell!"
Hey girl, are you my boss? 'Cause you just gave me a raise.
My dad may be working, but the coping mechanisms sure aren't!
I harvested indigo to make dye. I made the dye. I made a number dye. I dyed the dye. I rolled the dye. It made me die.
Why can’t an orphan use an iPhone?
Because the home button does not work.
Is "buttcheek" one word, or should I spread them?
"I work with animals," the man said to his date.
His date said, "I love a man who works with animals. What job is it for the animal?"
"I am a butcher," said the man.
My stepdad took me to work, and he told me I could climb trees.
I woke up in a hospital. Wait, did I mention that my stepdad was a lumberjack?
A little girl walks into the bathroom and sees her mom naked taking a shower and asks, "Mommy, mommy, when am I gonna get breasts?" Mom says, "Oh, when you're 12 or 13." The little girl looks down and see’s her pubes and asks, "Mommy, mommy, when am I gonna get hair down there?" Mom says, "Oh, about the same time you get breasts."
Then the little girl walks in and sees her dad sitting on the bed with a hard on and asks, "Daddy, daddy, when am I gonna get one of those?" Dad says, "Soon as your mom leaves for work."
I would make a disabled joke.
But they never work.
So I was asleep and woke up and went to work. My wife left already to her job. I was driving my car and ran over someone. I woke up in my bed, realized it was all a dream.
20 minutes later I got a phone call that my wife got hit by a car.
A man is on his death sentence, and he gets to choose his last meal.
He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life. They never found a working machine.
Every time I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.
There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, so I unplug them.