Work jokes

My girlfriend left a note on the TV saying, "This isn't working!" I don't know what she's talking about, the TV works perfectly fine.

Do you work at Subway? Because you turn my 6 inch into a footlong.

I come in from work to see my wife dead on the sofa. As I unzip for one last ride, she says, "BOO!" What kind of a dick fuck does that!

2k14 was so realistic when I switched to Kobe, the pass button stopped working.

Me: How does this thing work?

ForTnite kid: Oh, you don’t know how to use a pistol? Look, I’ll show you.

ForTnitekid: *shoots foot*

Me: That wasn’t a very good demonstration.

"Prostitutes love their jobs; they're always having a blast!"

Orphans don't have phones because the home button doesn't work.

I saw a little boy playing alone in the street. I told him that was a bad idea, then asked for his parents.

God, orphanages are fun to work at!!

My Dad was mowing the grass today. I looked out the window and saw him slumped over the lawnmower. Apparently, he was just going through a rough patch.

Q: Why don't cars work after you change their wheels?

A: Because they're retired!

I have a really good construction joke, but I’ll have to post it later because I’m still working on it.

Why did the cumulonimbus not show up for work?

Because it was on strike.

Prince will be coming back in 10 mins here is a joke.

Gwen: Prince sorry but I'm wanting someone else instead. You've just been a complete jackass toward me, sorry good night.

Prince: Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gwen: Good night!

Prince: Why?

Gwen: Because...now good night!

Prince: We can work some things out?

Gwen: Nope...NOW GOOD NIGHT!!!!!!!!

To be continued

Two women, Jane and Emma, are in the afterlife waiting for judgement.

Emma turns to Jane and says, "I'm just curious, but how did you die?"

Jane replies with, "I burnt to death."

Emma, shocked, responds with, "That sounds horrible! What was it like?"

Jane answers with, "It first felt really hot and painful, but then I felt nothing. How did you die?"

Emma replies with, "Well, I believed my husband was cheating on me. I decided to leave work early one day to make sure he was loyal. I found him on the phone with his mother. I thought he was hiding something from me so I ran to the bedroom and found nothing. Then I sprinted to the kitchen and didn't find anything. I then jolted outside to the backyard and just found that he hadn't cleaned the pool. I was so tired from running that I fell over into the pool and drowned."

Jane retorts with, "Well if you checked the oven neither of us would be here right now."

Aside from being sexy, what do you do for a living?

Sans: Pap, your spaghetti is bonearific.

PaprUs: Sans, no. Aw, your funny bone is not working; come on, that one was a rib tickler.

So a girl says to her ex, "I can't get you out of my mind, the boyfriend I knew." The girl replies, "I see you in everything, like when I'm walking down the street, even at work, like trash cans are everywhere."

A boy sat in his bed, watching a meteor shower. He was a vengeful child and wished that his parents would no longer bother him whilst he was gaming.

The next morning, he woke up to find his mother had passed away in the night. Clearly his wish had worked. However, his father worked a midnight job, and as such the boy was very confused when he returned home from work, expecting him to have met the same fate.

The two of them then looked out the window in thought, only to find the milkman lying dead on the pavement.

I'll never forget my boss's last words: "We shall serve the best meat in our burgers!"

My wife left a note on the fridge. The note read, "It's not working." I don't know what she's talking about. I opened the fridge, and it worked fine!