Wildlife jokes
What does a bear beat off with?
His bear hands.
Did you know the giraffe’s hooves are the size of dinner plates? Too bad they would have nothing to put on them!
My grandma has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
What animal has more lives than a cat?
A frog. It croaks every night.
Why would you leave a damn gorilla out in the middle of the parking lot after you let the zookeeper bring a chimpanzee home from the zoo because me and the gorilla had too much to drink?
I'm a cheetah, I cheat, duh?
I once had an owl who I thought it would fly away.
Why didn't the bear leave home?
He could not bear leaving his family.
What's black, white, and "read" all over?
A zebra after a lion is full.
When you’re hunting at a forest resort and you shoot a deer, but then you remember that there are no deer at the forest resort.
Dad: I get to touch animals every day at the zoo.
Kid: Why?
Dad: I clean up animal s*** at the zoo.
Me and my friend were hunting ducks. He had a 12 gauge shotgun, and he looked over and I had a .50 caliber machine gun. He said, "You're crazy!" I responded, "Quackers."
Why do cheetahs have spots?
Chickenpox!
Why can't cheetahs play any games?
Because they're cheetahs!
My grandfather had the heart of a lion,
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
A bear walks into a bar and asks the barkeep, "Can I have a grilled . . . cheese?"
The barkeep asks the bear, "What's with the big pause?" The bear says, "Well, I'm a bear."
Have you ever heard of the stupid coyote? He got stuck in a trap, chewed off three of his legs, and was still stuck!
Why do animals have playing cards with foxes?
Because they’re a bunch of cheetahs!
All my friends live in a forest. It's called Aokigahara.
What did the mother cheetah say to her cub?
"Go to bed or I'll slap your spots off you!"