Wildlife jokes
Did you know the giraffe’s hooves are the size of dinner plates? Too bad they would have nothing to put on them!
What does a bear beat off with?
His bear hands.
What animal has more lives than a cat?
A frog. It croaks every night.
I once had an owl who I thought it would fly away.
Why didn't the bear leave home?
He could not bear leaving his family.
I'm a cheetah, I cheat, duh?
Why would you leave a damn gorilla out in the middle of the parking lot after you let the zookeeper bring a chimpanzee home from the zoo because me and the gorilla had too much to drink?
What's black, white, and "read" all over?
A zebra after a lion is full.
When you’re hunting at a forest resort and you shoot a deer, but then you remember that there are no deer at the forest resort.
Dad: I get to touch animals every day at the zoo.
Kid: Why?
Dad: I clean up animal s*** at the zoo.
Me and my friend were hunting ducks. He had a 12 gauge shotgun, and he looked over and I had a .50 caliber machine gun. He said, "You're crazy!" I responded, "Quackers."
I was hiking once with my girlfriend. Suddenly, a huge brown bear was charging at us, really mad. We must have come close to her cubs.
Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me. One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took. I could walk away at a comfortable pace.
Why do cheetahs have spots?
Chickenpox!
Why can't cheetahs play any games?
Because they're cheetahs!
My grandfather had the heart of a lion,
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
A bear walks into a bar and asks the barkeep, "Can I have a grilled . . . cheese?"
The barkeep asks the bear, "What's with the big pause?" The bear says, "Well, I'm a bear."
Have you ever heard of the stupid coyote? He got stuck in a trap, chewed off three of his legs, and was still stuck!
Why do animals have playing cards with foxes?
Because they’re a bunch of cheetahs!
All my friends live in a forest. It's called Aokigahara.
What did the mother cheetah say to her cub?
"Go to bed or I'll slap your spots off you!"