Wife jokes

Teacher: Can someone tell me the only living thing that can reproduce without sex?

Little Johnny: "Your wife."

I wish my ex-wife would take me back. :(

What do my wife and dinner have in common? They are both vegetables.

Why did Stephen Hawking die?

Because his wife changed the Wi-Fi password.

As ruler of a kingdom, I wanted a knight. Duke Leo Pessi IV offered himself but wanted a wife in return. I offered my beautiful daughter to him. However, he slapped her and proceeded to wreck my castle. All this whilst crying “I don’t want princess, I want farmer!”

DAMN YOU PESSI!

The woman said stop, but the man kept going, so the wife just kept fucking.

Wife: "Honey? What do you think about my teeth?"

Husband: "They remind me of stars... yellow and far apart."

A rich man and a poor man are talking about anniversaries. The rich man got his wife a Mercedes and a diamond ring. He says if the wife does not like the ring, she can take the Mercedes and leave.

The poor man said he got his wife slippers and a dildo. He says if his wife does not like the slippers, she can go and fuck herself.

Did you hear about the cannibal that came home late?

His wife gave him the cold shoulder.

My wife said, "Why oh why have you ordered carpet, our house is lovely?"

Thankfully the carpet was put to good use in the end, no more stupid comments coming from a rolled up Emily in the bottom of the ocean!

How many dicks can fit inside of a hooker? I don't know, ask your wife.

What did the feather say to his wife?

You light my day.

I miss my wife, Tails.

What do windows have in common with my wife's legs? They're easy to open.

Me and my wife decided we would only smoke after sex.

I'm still on the first pack. She's up to 2 packs a week.

Did I tell you I finally got my wife to scream during sex? Yeah, you should have heard her the other day when I walked in on her.

By the time I ran my wife over with my car, I had to stop for gas twice.

I caught my wife having s*x with another guy.

A 60 year old man said his wife called him a paedophile the other day, strong words for a 6 year old.

My wife is pregnant with a 3-year-old, so I gave her medicine, but now she’s pregnant with a 5-year-old.