Wife jokes
My wife and I watched The Perfect Murder together. Excellent movie, but what disturbed me though was my wife constantly taking notes.
So, I was f**king my daughter the other night, and I don’t know what was funnier: the looks on my wife’s face when she walked in on me or the fact that the abortion clinic let me keep her.
Why was Stephen Hawking's wife mad at him?
She caught him having an affair with his shoulder.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Stranger.
Stranger who?
Stranger, why are you in my house masticating my apparent dead wife?
What is more time-consuming than children?
Waiting for your wife to go into labor!
I just wanted to write something random.
And now my wife is dead.
Wife: I will leave you if you call me fat again.
Husband: Wait, dear... Don’t do it for the sake of our kid!
Wife: Kid?
Husband: Yeah, aren’t you pregnant?
When I hired a Asian detective to see if my wife was cheating on me, I got this letter:
Mr. Wong - I see he, so I climb up tree. He knock on door and she let him in. She talks to him, he talks to she. He undresses she, she undresses he. She plays with he, he plays with she. I play with me, I fall out tree, I no see... No fee.
My wife's always nagging me. "You don't let me have any friends, I abuse her, and I'm always coming back late." So I thought I would treat her. I popped up in the attic and introduced her to two women.
JFK was so popular he was banged in front of his Wife.
An old man is sitting on a park bench, crying his eyes out. A jogger stops, feels bad for him, and asks, "Sir, what's wrong?"
The old man sobs, "I'm 85 years old. I have a 25-year-old wife at home who is a supermodel. She cooks me gourmet meals every day, she keeps the house spotless, and we spend every night in total, passionate bliss."
The jogger looks confused. "Wait... that sounds amazing! Why are you crying?"
The old man looks up, tears streaming down his face, and wails: "I can't remember where I live!"
My wife told me she was fat and depressed. She asked me to compliment her, so I said, "You have perfect eyesight!"
As ruler of a kingdom, I wanted a knight. Duke Leo Pessi IV offered himself but wanted a wife in return. I offered my beautiful daughter to him. However, he slapped her and proceeded to wreck my castle. All this whilst crying “I don’t want princess, I want farmer!”
DAMN YOU PESSI!
Phone: YEETED.
TikTok: DELETED.
Therapy: NEEDED.
Wife: BEATED.
My wife hates that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and went right.
How do you stop a rape victim from speaking out?
Marry her.
And the children of Israel wandered round the desert for 40 years, until eventually Moses' wife said, "Are you going to ask for directions, or what?"
A man walks into his bedroom where his wife is carrying a sheep under her arm and says, "This is the pig I've been fucking."
Wife says, "That's not a pig; that's a sheep, dumbass."
Husband says, "I was talking to the sheep."
A husband walks into the bedroom door holding two aspirin and a glass of water.
His wife asked what that was for.
"It is for your headache."
"I don't have a headache."
He smiles. "Gotcha!!!!"
My wife and I have decided that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.