Wife jokes
What do windows have in common with my wife's legs? They're easy to open.
Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.
They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.
A pregnant woman enters the hospital with her concerned husband. As she goes into labor, a group of doctors asked him if he would like to try a device that transfers your spouse's pain to the father's nervous system.
He agrees and the doctors turn the dial on the device to 10%. Strangely, the man felt little pain. They continued to adjust the dial until it stopped at 100%, yet the man felt nothing. Later on, the wife had delivered the baby and the pair left the hospital with a healthy baby only to find the milkman laying on their stairs with a puddle of blood around his head, shaking uncontrollably.
My best friend ran away with my wife. I really miss him.
It was an emotional wedding, even the cake was in tiers.
Why does this stingray's wife can't stop babbling?
'Cause she can't watch her mouth.
My wife wanted a present that could go from zero to 80 very quickly.
So I got her a new set of bathroom scales.
His wife shut off the internet.
My wife told me to give her 8 inches, so I had to have sex with her 4 times and punch her in the nose.
My wife is an optimist. Our first night together, she handed me a Magnum XL condom. I didn’t know what to do, so I made her a balloon animal 🎈🦒.
what do you get when you play a country song backwards? you get your wife, your house, and your kids back.
Why did Stephen Hawking's wife leave him? She was sick of buying triple A batteries.
The vampire was kept awake all night because of his wife's coughin' (coffin...coughin'...get it?)
How did Stephen Hawking die? His wife needed to charge her iPhone.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details, and we can drop them off tomorrow.
My wife wanted to make a joke about domestic abuse, but I beat her to it.
Once, there was a couple about to have sex. "I have something to confess," said the shy wife. The husband then said, "Whatever it is, I will still love." The wife then said, "Honey, I'm flat chested." The husband said, "It's okay, I'm a baby down there anyways." He then pulled down his pants and began to have sex.
The next day, the wife said, "I thought you were a baby down there." The husband then said, "I am; 22 inches and 7 pounds."
There was a cannibal who had a wife and eight kids.
"Guess what my wife left in the freezer?"
"Her miscarriage."
Wife: "Honey, I'm pregnant."
Husband: "Hi, Pregnant, I'm dad."
Wife: "No, you're not."