Today, I spotted Johnny Depp on the clearance rack at Kmart. Kmart is currently trying to clear its inventory of wife-beaters.
My wife made electric eel for supper. I was shocked!
A: Why are you so sad?
B: I was watching porn, and all of a sudden my wife opened the door.
A: Ok, I see, but is that really such a big deal?
B: I mean, she opened the door in the movie.
My wife and children are leaving me over my obsession with horse racing.
And they're off!
JFK was so popular he was banged in front of his Wife.
John walked into Pat at the barn. He was dancing naked in front of a tractor. John said, "Hey, Pat, what are you doing?"
Pat said, "Well, me and the wife have been having a bit of trouble in bed, so I went to a therapist, and he said I should do something sexy to a tractor (attract her)."
Me: *stabs vampire*
Wife: omg
Me: *beats vampire to death*
Wife: OMG
Me: What?
Wife: You're supposed to give them candy!
Me: Well, that's a sticky situation now, isn't it, Barbara?
I told my wife to embrace her mistakes So she gave me a hug
You know they say, when you get lemons make lemonade... Well, I took that a little bit too literal.
Turns out squeezing your wife's tits as hard as you can hurts them.
But at least lemonade came out!
You have to be a good mom to be a MILF.
Trump pumped and dumped his wife at the border.
So, one day I have a wife, but if it's getting a longer day, she is moving so weird, and I see she has sex with Rick Astley. 😂 [rickrolled]
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.”
I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door, and it’s working fine!
A man died and went to heaven. Every time you cheat, you get a worse car.
The first man cheated 5 times; he got a Jeep. The second man cheated 3 times; he got a BMW. The third man never cheated; he got a Lamborghini.
The second man saw the third man sad. He said, "Why are you sad?" The third man said, "I saw my wife with a scooter."
Technoblade never got a wife.
How many dicks can fit inside of a hooker? I don't know, ask your wife.
Suicide is as easy as my ex-wife.
A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”
A: Why are you so sad?
B: I was watching porn, and all of a sudden my wife opened the door.
A: Ok, I see, but is that really such a big deal?
B: I mean, she opened the door in the movie!
I was going to give my wife chocolates, but my fat friends ate them.
Wife: "You don't even have friends!"
