When jokes

Kid: Mom! You lied to me!

Mom: When?

Kid: You told me that my little brother was an Angel!

Mom: Sooo?

Kid: Then why didn’t he fly when I threw him off the balcony?

Mom: WHAT!!!??!!

Comebacks when someone say: Bully: "Your teeth is so yellow that when you start smiling you slow down the traffic." Say: "At least its brighter than your future."

Do you like Wendy's? When deez nutz are in your mouth.

When the school shooter breaks into the classroom, and you look at your friend because it's the kid you predicted.

What did Cinderella say when she sat on Pinocchio? "Lie to me."

I started crying when my dad cut up onions.

Onions was such a good hamster.

I was crying when my dad was cutting onions.

Onions was such a good dog.

What did the angel say when it went to heaven? Well, halo there!

What time is it when you can drive a house? Time to get a wheelchair.

What does it sound like when a dragon sings? A fire alarm.

I was digging a hole in the garden until I found some coins! I was about to tell my mum when I remembered I was digging a hole in the garden.

A guy is bankrupt, so he gives his son a duck and tells him to go sell it for as much as he can. So the kid goes on the street to sell the duck. A prostitute walks by and says, "I'll fuck you for $10." The boy says, “I would, but I don't have any money.” She says, “Ok, I'll take the duck instead.” He says ok, so they go upstairs and fuck.

The prostitute says, “That’s the best sex I've ever had. I'll give you the duck back and we can do it again.” So they do and he gets the duck back. But when they go downstairs, the duck gets hit by a car. And the guy that hit the duck feels so bad that he gives the kid $25. So when he gets home, his father asks him why he looks so tired. The boy says, well, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and $25 for a fucked up fuck.

What's the point of hiding the screaming speed bump you ran over? You might as well hit it again to A: Stop the screaming. B: Make it look like an actual speed bump. And C... You think it's hilarious the noise it makes when you ran over its stomach.

Some people ask why jokes exist. I say, when a mommy and daddy love each other very much, they have sex, and they make another one of you.

When you’re fucking your boss and realize it’s a family business.

Some people are like a software update. When I see them I think, "Not now."

Dark humor is like cancer; it's funnier when kids get it.

I went to a sleepover at my best friend's house. He lives with his grandpa and little brother, his mom and dad. His little brother likes to run around the house naked sometimes. I can't help but notice his grandpa always looks up when he does.

Why couldn't anyone hear Helen Keller when she fell off a cliff? She was wearing mittens.

"When Republicans do politics, it's a crime. But when Democrats commit crimes, it's politics." ---Tyler Nixon