When jokes

So there's a little girl playing hopscotch at the front of her house while her mother hangs up the washing and her father mows the lawn. She says, "Step on a crack and you break your mother's back." The father laughs, until his daughter steps on a crack resulting in her mother's back breaking.

The little girl's father looks in terror, she then says, "Step on a line and you break your father's spine." The father closes his eyes waiting for his spine to break, but nothing happens. When he opens his eyes again he sees that he is ok, and nothing has happened to him. Suddenly he hears someone yell out "OW MY SPINE!" The father runs around the corner to see the mailman laying on the floor.

Two fish were swimming in a stream when it began to rain. "Quick, let's swim under that bridge, otherwise we will get wet!"

A father and three sons are renovating a house when a wall of that house collapses and breaks the father's back. Keeping calm, he tells the sons, "Well, I guess this is what you would call back-breaking labor." He chuckled, then passed out from pain.

A missionary was caught by cannibals. He was tied up and thrown into a big pot. The cannibals were chopping up vegetables and throwing them into the pot with the missionary. When they lit the fire under the pot, the missionary said, "You can't stew me. I'm a friar."

How do you know when you should tell a heterosexual woman to stop sucking your dick?

When there is blood coming out of your dick instead of sperm.

What happens when you combine candy and dick? That creepy guy down the street!

When Covid spreads through food, but you realized you live in Africa.

The Trump family are flying from New York to DC when Donald looks down on the cities below.

Trump: "I think I’ll throw a $1000 bill out the window and make some American happy."

Melania: "Oh honey, why not throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten Americans happy?"

Ivanka: "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out the window and make 100 people happy."

Pilot: "Why don’t you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"

A patient visiting his doctor asked him if he had ever laughed at a patient.

The doctor said, "I have never in 25 years of practice ever laughed at a patient."

Reassured, the patient drops his trousers and underpants.

Immediately the doctor burst out into loud raucous laughter when he sees that the patient has a penis the size of a cocktail sausage.

After about 10 minutes the doctor manages to get himself under control.

Swiftly apologising he says to the patient, "Sorry about that. How can I help you?"

The patient says, "Have you got any cream for it? It's swollen."

I love telling stories as theatrical plays. When we had a free dress day near Christmas, my teacher dressed up as a reindeer, so I got my teacher involved... and shot her.

Woman: What’s a good comeback for my sexist husband when he tells me to go make him a sandwich?

Husband: I know! How about you COMEBACK with a goddamn sandwich?

What did Luke Skywalker say when he saw someone bullying his sister?

You better not lay a finger on her!

When you have a bladder infection,

You're in trouble. 😜

Q: What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?

A: You slap her.

Do midgets still start their childhood stories off with, "When I was little"?

Your forehead's so big, when you were being born, the doctors thought you had no face.

When an orphan takes a selfie, it's a family photo.

Why should you be friends with emos? Because you get to scan their bar code for 20% off, and when it expires, they get rid of themselves.

What do Princess Diana and a landmine have in common? Both are easy to lay. Both costly and time-consuming to get rid of.

What did Saint Peter say to Diana when she got to the pearly gates? "Wipe that Merc off your face."

When you're the only one bullying the weird kid and you're absent on the day he shoots up the school. ̄\_(ツ)_/ ̄