When jokes
What do you get when you cross the terms homeless and abandoned?
POORphan
What’s 8 inches and women scream when they see it?
A puppy, you dirty monkey!
What do you call it when you drop a bottle of food dye?
"It's dye-ing."
Sam's mum is so fat, when she fell down the stairs, I thought EastEnders finished!
Hey, I’m not an alcoholic! I only drink 2 times a year. When it’s my Birthday, and when it’s not...
...maybee
There were 5 cows on a farm, one mom and 4 calves.
The first calf goes up to the mom and says, "Momma, why is my name Rose?"
The mother cow replies, "Well sweetie, when you were born, a rose petal fell on your head."
The second calf walks up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Lily?", to which the mom replies "Well honey, when you were born, a single lily petal fell on your head."
The third calf walks up, but before it can get a word out, the fourth calf screams at the top of its lungs. The mother cow yells, "Shut up, Cinderblock!"
Do you remember blowing bubbles when you were younger?
Well, Bubbles is back in town and was asking about you!
What does a French guy say when he falls off?
Oh no, Eiffel!
What did the chicken say when he saw a human running around uncontrollably?
"It's running around like a chicken with its head cut off!"
What did the Twin Towers say when they saw the airplane?
Batter up!
Your hairline is running away faster than when your dad went to get milk, and that’s saying something.
The teacher asked the class what they wanted to be when they grew up.
Johnny said when he grows up he's going to be a motherfucking hustler. He's going to have a wife and live in a big house in the country with maids and butlers and drive a Rolls-Royce, and he's also going to have an apartment in the city where his side bitch is going to live. He's going to buy her expensive jewelry, whatever she wants: cars, diamonds, clothes, shoes.
The teacher didn't know what to say, so she calls on Sally. "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Sally said, "I want to be Johnny's bitch."
Why are people suspicious when a priest yells "Attention Kmart shoppers"?
Boy's pants are half off.
When someone got the ghost in them, sound in the Priest Busters.
When something strange and it ain't no who you gonna call? Priest Busters.
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the neutron gets his drink, he asks, "Bartender, how much do I owe you?" The bartender replies, "For you, neutron, no charge."
I cried when my mom started to cut up onions... onions was a good dog.
As an actor going to film a new TV show in another country, when TSA asks, "What’s the purpose of your visit?"... "I’m going to shoot a pilot" is never a good answer.
A turtle was walking down the street when all of a sudden a snail came up to him and robbed him.
When the policemen showed up and asked him what happened, he responded, "I don't know, it all happened so fast!"
Me explaining my child: when your mom is sitting on a table during her period, it's called the periodic table.
What do you get when you cross a rapper with an accountant?
A money manager who counts bars.