When jokes
Why do midgets laugh when they run?
Because the grass tickles their balls.
I have an EpiPen.
My friend gave it to me when he was dying.
It seemed really important to him that I have it.
What does a wizard say when doing drugs? Injecto Patronum!
When I was 14, my mum caught me wanking, and she slapped me across the face. A couple weeks later, my dad caught me having a beer, and he made me drink 40 beers. I just thought, "Well, I'm glad he didn't catch me wanking."
When you send her a dick pic, but then she sends you one right back...
You're like a cloud. When you go away, it's a beautiful day.
Kid: "I wish I could be like Batman!"
Genie: "Wish granted!"
When the kid gets home, both of his parents are dead.
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.
The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
What does it mean when a man has a dodgy past? It means he has skeletons in his closet.
What does it mean when a man likes Lana Del Rey better than Ed Sheeran? It means he has a closet full of women's leather pants (but no women in their dating history).
When you're fighting with the emo kid and he brings his friends. Now you gotta fight the suicide squad.
Heterosexual sodomy is like religion. If you were forced to accept it when you were younger, you probably would not like it when you become an adult.
Yo mamma so fat, when God said, "Let there be light," he was just asking her to get out the way.
Circumcision is like getting your dick sucked by a female. If you did not like it when you were a teenager, you probably will not like it when you become an adult.
Q. What's long, hard, and scary when you first see it?
A. Calculus homework.
What's a similarity between your best friend and a tree?
They both fall over when you hit them with an axe.
Wanna hear somethin' ironic?
When one cutter tells another cutter to stop, but he himself can't stop cutting.
My life.
Tell me when you get it.
What's the difference between a gay man and a refrigerator?
The fridge don't fart when you take your meat out.
They told me I could never be an actor.
No one suspected me when they went missing the next day.
I went to visit my friend's sick grandpa. He was lying in a hospital bed connected to a lot of tubes. When I approached him, he kept repeating "Nǐ cǎizhe wǒ de yǎngqì guǎn."
Suddenly, right in front of me, he passed. Later that night, I translated his last words, and they were, "You're standing on my oxygen tube."